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This time of year brings so many memories. I was out walking with Bee today and as we walked past a house I smelled laundry. That moment hit me like a ton of bricks. It reminded me of all the walking I did after Ty died and the following Fall after Jacob died. I would walk and walk, I wanted to just escape life. I wanted to run, run away from everything. As I walked around our old neighbourhood I often smelled fresh laundry and it would make me tear.
In case you haven't followed the blog very long, I'll fill you in on our previous apartment. It was, well, not the best. We had a huge mouse problem, dangerous stairs outside that we both fell down a few times, lack of heat and no laundry. But, even though there were problems, it was home. It was our first home as a couple, it is the only place Ty and Jacob knew.
For some reason waking through the neighbourhood and smelling laundry just tugged at my heart. There was something about not having access to a washer and dryer in our apartment that made me sad. Perhaps it was because we had tried many times to save to buy a house and as we started, something significant happened and we'd have to start all over. We use to have to go to the laundry mat and perhaps its because we had to, we made it enjoyable. Every two weeks, on a Saturday morning, we'd stop and pick up breakfast and head to the laundry mat. We'd sit and talk, do crosswords, just be and it was our time.
Our current apartment does have laundry, we do have to bring the washer in to the bathroom everytime to use it and the dryer is in our bedroom so we can only use it at certain times but it's a great work out. I'm appreciative of the fact that we have it because between cloth diapers and how many stains and outfits Bee goes through on a daily basis, I cant imagine having to go to a laundry mat.
Appreciative and accepted are the words I have chosen to use in place of being happy and grateful. Am I happy where we live? Not really, I want a place of our own, I want to set down our own roots. Am I grateful, mmm....I think appreciative suits the correct word I am trying to describe. I have accepted where we live, it's not where I want to be but I have accepted it and we make it work.
I'm guessing that's why when we were walking today, the smell of laundry still tugged at my heart a bit. It was a reminder of the past 4 falls and a reminder of the fact that we still aren't where we want to be. I feel like the last 4 years we have had to put everything in life on hold while we struggle to make ends meet, we struggle to keep our heads above the water. Our life has been put on hold far too many times and though I appreciate how far we have come, I'm not happy with it. I have accepted it but it doesn't make me happy. The smell of laundry however, now that does make me happy. It's such a comforting smell. It's my favourite time of year for walks and the scent of laundry just makes it all more enjoyable.