When asked how I am doing, I often respond with I'm okay, doing alright given the situation, things have been better, or mentioning that I'm just figuring things out. But the more I think about it, the more I've come to feel like you can't figure life out. I don't think there will ever come a point where I have my life figured out but I think that's normal. Life can be shitty, really really shitty, it can throw some nasty curve-balls and most people try to figure it out. I'm guilty of that too. Lately though, I just keep thinking that maybe it is the wrong way to look at things. I don't think you can ever actually figure things out, I think it's more about learning, living with what you are dealing with and making it work for you. I can't figure out life, I cant figure out how to make everything magically better but I can learn in it, I can live with it and make it work for me. Not to say live with it and give up, but live with it and make situations work for you. Grow in those situations. I just really feel you can't "figure things out". but I know from experience you can take the shit in life and make it work for you. You can learn with it and grow from it. That's not the same as figuring it out though because when I think about figuring it out, I think about an end point where I won't have to wonder anymore and life, well that never happens in life.
There will always be something in life coming your way, good or bad, happy or sad. You can;t figure it all out because there is always something else to discover. I've been mindful lately to remember that, remember that you can't figure life out, it's not like a straight forward mathematical problem to be solved. It's more like a river (with some waterfalls and white water rafting thrown in) it ebbs and flows, it curves and drops. Things will always come forward and you'll learn how to do things differently. Different doesn't have to mean bad, it can mean bad for a little while, things are tough to deal with and you're allowed to grieve whatever loss you are experiencing but over time it just becomes, well different. There is still hurt and pain and trying to learn to live with things but I'll never figure out my life. I'll never figure out how to live with the fact that Ty and Jacob and another little one died. I will never figure it all out because I don't think you are suppose to.
So, from now on, I will give myself space to learn and grow, to make things work for me no matter what life throws my way and lately, I feel like it's gearing up for something big but not necessarily a good big. I'm a little anxious and that's an understatement.