Finding answers seems to be a hot topic amongst the bereaved. We search day in and day out for reasons as to why our children died, how our children died, is someone responsible, is there something we could have done differently? Some of us never stop searching, some of us accept that even of we find the answer it won't bring our children back so we stop. But for me, finding answers doesn't just apply to Ty and Jacobs death, since Bee was born I have been searching for answers.
I searched for 1 1/2 years as to why I felt the way I did, words couldn't explain it, physically I was cleared of everything and it came down to my mind, it came down to being diagnosed with PTSD which was one of the best things to happen. I am now on a path to dealing with that and starting to live the life I've always wanted.
The last year I have been searching for answers as to why I cant eat without feeling like I will vomit. I've had countless tests done, all of which have come back normal (which is good) but it didn't solve my digestive issues. At the suggestion of my doctor, I gave up gluten at the beginning of the year and for a while, things got better but they are back to where they started. Last week I had one of two final tests done, I gave blood so they could test my intolerances to over 200 different foods. I should know the results this week and a part of me is hoping and praying I had reactions so I know, so I can change what I eat and stop feeling so sick all the time. If the blood tests show nothing, I will be sent to a gastro specialist and a gastro scope (of which terrifies me). But one way or another, if those two tests come back clear, I don't know. Ill have to try altering things myself because I cant live off of gravol, zantac and Tylenol.
It's an exhausting battle to search for answers, especially when it is causing physical ailments. I was hopeful after I started the Zoloft, I had some decent days of feeling better but last week it wore off and my stomach has been crap ever since. I will be starting chiro and acu again to see if that helps but I really do hope my blood test comes back saying I'm intolerant to certain things, it would answer as lot of questions and give me a direction to head in instead of mindlessly meandering around while feeling like crap.
I've come to the point in my life where I don't search for answers to the boys death anymore. I never really did with Ty, I just accepted what happened pretty quickly but with Jacob, I guess some days I still want to know because I can hold other people accountable. Sometimes the answers you look for wont change anything, but sometimes, just maybe they will give you what you are looking for and you can live, simply live.