Grasping to feel, to acknowledge, to connect, to breathe. I feel I am floating through life, my feet are in the air, I am not grounded. It is hard to connect, it is hard to feel. I'm struggling. For the last few weeks I have not been feeling well. I have been beyond exhausted and so very painfully achy. I had numerous tests done but everything came back a okay (which is good in one sense). Then the other night I was laying in bed and like the light outside from a car pulling into a driveway, it hit me. Depression. On my list of mental health diagnosis's, depression has made its appearance in the past. It pops up here and there, more severe in the winter (thanks SADD) and as I laid there I thought, oh yes, hi there friend depression. I remember you. I remember how horrible it is to feel you. I remember how horrible it is to be with you.
The thing is, I've had it in the past but in the past I was not aware of what it was. This time around I am. I know what it is, it has a name and I think in some sense that is worse because then the fear comes out. The fear of feeling depressed scares me and when I am aware that it is depression, I want to run and hide. Depression and anxiety are the two areas I have left to work on. I have no idea when that will happen, until I can find some more free programs, I'm working on this alone at home. But I remember. I remember how achy it can make you feel, how unmotivated it can make you. How hopeless you feel. I remember it all too well.
I know it will take some time to work through this. I will admit, being outside almost 12 hours a day the last two days, hiking, visiting the boys, working in the garden, playing with Bee, soaking up the sun, it has tremendously helped. I even woke up a smiggen excited this morning because I knew it was going to be a beautiful day and that gives me something to look forward to. I made sure to have all the housework done this week so I could enjoy the weekend with my loves. It felt so good to be outdoors, the air, the light, the life of spring. I connected, only for a brief moment here and there, but it happened!
That being said, it's not like that will make it magically go away, but it does take the edge off. Even if only for the two days, it still helped. Moments to connect are far and wide but the important part (and the one I have to focus on) is that they are happening. I even felt homey today, really felt like this was becoming home. It's all gone now, all the good feelings have been replaced with exhaustion (but in a good way) I know this week will be tough, rain and clouds will just add fuel to the cabin fever fire. The lack of sun will make me unmotivated and I will have to find ways to work. It's really hard to get anything done when you feel depressed. We spent a lot of time on the couch this week because that's all I felt like doing. I hop more sunny days are headed this way. I know the weekends are easier, more fun with things to do and get out of the house, but the weeks, we dredge through them. Finding ways to cope along the journey, but this one is a bit new to me. I've been struggling without balance and routine and with the lack of sun, it's setting me back into a depressive state. I'm finding it very hard. It was easier when we lived in London, so many places we could go in a matter of minutes, but now, there is nothing in the winter expect our house (I don't like to drive into London especially when I don't feel well which is a lot lately) so we are stuck.
Kind of how I feel about life. Stuck in this next phase. Trying to figure out how to make everything work and keep my mind. The thought of Bee going to school this week creeped in and I panicked. What am I going to do? Will it really be easier or will I feel even more secluded? At least now I have her but when she isn't here, then what? Go back to work? HA HA HA, I can't even keep my shit together at home, I can't even manage to run my small little business efficiently. I'm making cuts because it all feels so overwhelming. Maybe when Bee goes to school I wont feel as overwhelmed because I will have time to get things done. I will have my me time, I will have time to do household things during the day so when she gets home we can just have fun. But the thought of it all does make me panic.
Grasping, grasping to stay afloat in this journey. Small connections here and there, I have to bank them, have to so I can recognize that they can and do happen and the more I become aware of them, the more they will happen. I just hope it doesn't take as long as April the giraffe giving birth.