I forgot how sneaky grief can be. How it can strike at anytime anywhere, like in the middle of the frozen food aisle of the grocery store. the sadness hits with such a hard punch all you can do is cry. The good thing is that is only a Thursday, mid morning in a small town so no one else is in the aisle with you other than your 4 year old.
I forgot how deep the sadness feels. I forgot how deep that pain is. I forgot how incredibly heartbreaking it can feel. I forget that all the memories can come rushing back, the weather is not helping. As much as I love this weather, it's just another trigger.
This journey is different than the other two. I have not had an early loss, that is not my knowledge area. I'm not in the hospital getting a bunch of drugs to numb me, to help me through. I am at home a lone. I am suffering in pain that Tylenol is barely touching. I am questioning my bodies ability to take care of this without intervention. I doubt it as I have doubted it so many other times. I question whether or not I need to go to the ER. I question whether or not it is progressing like it should, I don't know. I haven't been there but I also have not met with my doctor yet to be informed how these go. I know there is pain, but to what scale.
It's new because I have Bee at home. Before I could take a bunch of meds and sleep all day. I could lay around, not eat or shower and just let it happen. It's different having a 4 year old at home during this. There are no naps, no ability to take a bunch of meds as I still have to be coherent to take care of her. She still wants to do things, go places and doesn't fully understand what is going on. She doesn't understand why mom can only sit and lay around, she doesn't understand why mom can't do anything really, she knows why there are tears, she knows the new baby died but for her, it's okay because the new baby is in heaven playing with Ty and Jacob. I want that innocence, unfortunately I can't but its different dealing with it this time with a little one at home.
All I can hope and pray for at this point is that my body handles it. I wish not to have surgery and I wish not for this to become an emergency with an ectopic pregnancy (but hcg numbers may show this is the case, which terrifies me)
You know what sucks about a miscarriage? Everything, everything sucks. Having to continue on like nothing is happening when physically, mentally and emotionally you feel like a wreck. Having to keep going when all you want to do is lay on the couch for a few days. Bee had her recital, it was emotional. I mean regardless it would have been emotional because it's one of those firsts and I was so proud of her the tears couldn't be hidden but there was an extra layer of emotions there. Seeing siblings up on stage, it got me. I wonder if Bee will ever have a sibling, I want it more than anything but I wonder if it will ever happen. My heart breaks but it also breaks for her missing out on a sibling.
Last week when I found out I was pregnant I actually felt excitement. I mean real actual excitement. I started to think of creative ways to tell Stephen and Bee. I started to think f what it may look like to have two living children, the concept was lost beyond me but I knew we'd get there, I just didn't expect that chance to be ripped away so quickly.
I received a box on Friday, I forgot I had ordered a baby toy. I wanted something small to hold onto to give me hope but instead it was a horrible reminder of what is happening.
I feel so lost in this, no one talks about miscarriages. I've had to google so many things because I don't know what to expect or what is normal when going through one. I know theres emotions, but beyond that I have no idea.
Everything sucks right now, Stephen took Bee out for the day and I stayed home to paint. I've been painting for 6 1/2 hours because I just need to do. I need to do something, I can't sit around and do nothing so productive I will be. I will get shit done that I know I am capable of and to keep my mind busy. I don't want to think, My mind is going to live in fearville. I can't keep happy thoughts in my mind, my mind is running with worst case scenario situations all day, all night long. It's exhausting. So I paint, I paint and I ponder. I sigh. Everything sucks.