This, this is grief. It is messy, it is chaotic, it is ugly, it is dark. It means being late to every event and forgetting just about everything. It means dropping and breaking things because you become clumsy. It means forgetting everything (see I repeated myself because I forgot).
Grief means staying awake all night because you are so heartbroken you can't sleep. It means at 1am you find a website that you can send a picture of your cat to someone in China and they will make a stuffed replica for $200. Grief is filling out that form. Grief is falling asleep for 5 minutes before hitting send and not instantly regretting it.
Grief means sending 10 people a message about getting a custom photo of your cat made and when you start hearing back, you think you somehow accidentally ordered from all ten people. It takes you awhile to realize they were just messages and not purchases.
Grief is paying someone $100 to embroider your cats face onto a hoop so you can hang it on the wall.
Grief means shaving your cat to save some of his fur to bead a little key chain for yourself made with his fur.
Grief is giving your dead cat rainbow paws so you can get his paw prints and then trying to explain to the vet that he didn't step in unicorn poop it was just ink for pawprints.
Grief is spending a few hours picking out an urn (or casket) and knowing that it can never be perfect for the one you have to say good bye to.
Grief is knowing that it is about saying goodbye, it is the finality of life. There will be no, see you next times.
Grief means lounging around in comfortable clothes, sweat pants, fuzzy socks, long shirts and snuggling up under the warmest and softest blanket you can find.
Grief means walking then just laying down on the floor starting to sob.
Grief means crying headaches.
Grief means crying so hard your whole body aches.
Grief means laying on the couch for hours watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Grief means eating food you'd never eat unless you felt this horrible. It means eating that food for days because you've discovered your grief food.
Grief is not eating because you don't have an appetite or the strength to make anything.
Grief means when you do feel hungry, you grab the first most convenient thing. It means fast food restaurants become your favourite place because you don't have to get out of your car and face people. You can wear sunglasses and only need to talk to at the most, two people.
Grief means ordering groceries online, something you swore you'd never do, but grief.
Grief means not knowing what time of day it is, what day it is what month it is or pretty much not knowing anything that relates to life.
Grief means not being able to sit and read because 1. you can't sit still and 2. the thought of sitting to read hurts to much because every night you sat to read you had a special lap buddy and without him here, reading won't be the same.
Grief means counting the hours until you get his little body back so you can plan his memorial. It means thinking of things that would honor him, things he may have liked. Knowing where to spread his ashes and thinking of where to put his urn at home.
Grief means swearing you hear him meowing. Knowing it is not one of your other cats as his meow was very distinct. Grief means immediately crying at the sound because you realize you won't hear it again. It is forever gone. Grief means moments like this make you realize how finale death is.
Grief means there can be chaos, thing won't get done for awhile at the same time, grief also means being incredibly restless day and night and having the need to have everything in its place. You need some things to be in order when you are crumbling inside.
Grief means being up all hours of the night googling the cause of death, reading stories, trying to find answers and grasp the situation at hand.
Grief means you can't carry on as normal. It means you need to take time away. Your body will no cooperate during you normal workout, it is simply to tired and depressed.
Grief means "watching" tv when all you are really doing is staring, staring into space. The deep dark space of depression. You are so disconnected from the world. Nothing feels real.
Grief means spending hours scrolling through Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest and not remembering a thing you saw.
Grief means doing things you normally wouldn't do because who cares anymore.
Grief means feeling the need to run away from everything so copious amounts of time are spent outside walking in all kinds of weather. It means that when it rains, it feel so fitting that you just stand outside in the rain as it drenches you to the soul, washing away your tears.
Grief means walking around all day looking for the person/pet who died. Thinking you'll see them any moment. Thinking that you keep catching them out of the corner of your eye.
Grief is every second spent on wondering what happened, could I have done anything.
Grief is looking for signs. One week before Milo died I found him in the corner of the closet sitting on the scale with a funny look on his face. The night after Milo died, there was a glow from that corner of the closet and early morning I started to hear beeping. The scale was on. It needed batteries but was it coincidence or a sign? It also means seeing two blue jays the next morning (they remind me of Ty and Jacob) and straining to find a third, maybe it would mean Milo is with them. Signs.
Grief means at 3pm, you put on normal clothes, sunglasses and your normal face to walk out into the world to pick your daughter up, making sure to time it exactly so you get there the minute the bell rings and you don't have to socialize.
Grief means hoping that the owner of the pet store who knows you and your kitties is not there, praying she is not there because you know she will ask how everyone is doing. It means seeing her in the parking lot talking to a customer so you run in as quickly as possible, scoop up everything you need and rush to pay to get back in your car before she comes in. It means her still catching you in the parking lot and when she asks how the old man is doing with his food, you immediately lose it and start to sob, full on sobs. It means her understanding because she is a pet owner herself and just grabbing you and giving you a huge long hug. It means realizing you needed that hug more than anything in that moment.
Grief means your best friend sends you a text asking if you want her to come over but you forget to respond with no I'm okay and she shows up at your door the next day with a hug. It's knowing that hug means more than anything and it means your bestfriend truly knows you. Knowing I would say no but also knowing it's what I needed.
Grief means knowing people will not understand. People will say stupid shit to try and comfort you when in fact it makes you feel worse. Grief means knowing that it still matters. There is a lot of hurt in the world right now but that doesn't mean your own hurt does not count. It does not mean just because there is mass destruction in so and so and you should be thankful about this or that, that your pain is not valid. It does not mean you aren't thankful.
In grief I don't know what I want. I mean what I truly want is to not know this pain, to have Ty, Jacob and Milo all here with me now. But that is not the life I have. I want comfort, I want warmth, I want the ability to cry when ever I need to. I want something to hold in my empty aching arms. I want this pain of grief to go away.
I would not know grief and sadness without love. Love can hurt but it is the most powerful feeling in the world to know love. As much as it hurts when that love is gone, the love will carry on.