I feel robbed. I'm in despair that I was robbed of one of the greatest joys of life, something I had wanted for so long. I feel defeated that life won and I will never get to experience this event. No amount of money can ever replace the hurt, the sadness, the jealousy, the envy.
We were never welcomed home with balloons and celebratory flowers. We didn't have the hordes of people stopping by for the first visit. People only brought us food because we were to depressed to cook. They took pity upon us. We became isolated at a time when joy was suppose to be in our lives.
I will never have the experience of knowing what it feels like to me a first time mom and the first weeks after. My story is different, I won't know because loss overshadowed my life. Loss overshadowed my little girl. I feel robbed of her first year of life. Looking back at pictures I don't remember any of it. I remember feeling overwhelmed but I also remember feeling deeply saddened, my grief struck a new cord. Bee's birth triggered something in me I hadn't experienced before. I see pictures, I see videos and I don't remember it. People didn't stop by with happy balloons or flowers, the few flowers we did receive were thrown into Ty and Jacobs grave as they were placed every so gently into the ground by Stephen and the funeral director. We received cards but they weren't happy cards, they were written with sorrow and empathy.
I don't recall what it was like to bring Bee home, I was so overwhelmed emotionally I shut down. Not only was I now a first time mom trying to figure out what the hell I was doing, but my grief for the boys rose to a new level. It was only after Bee was born that I started to see exactly what I had missed with the boys.
It hurts to look at her pictures and not remember. It hurts that I won't ever know. I've forever lost my innocence and bliss and no matter how many times we'd become pregnant again and bring a baby home, I will never have that experience, the one I was robbed of.