Buying a house is hard, emotional and exhausting. Buying a house when you are being rushed and have been given 60 days to find a place, harder. Add on the emotions of the normal ptsd and anxiety issues as of late, my heart feels broken. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to get my dream house, not now. It's not that I expect anything big and fancy I don't, I'll be happy with a smaller fixer upper it's just the peace I envision in a new house, the outside space, the trees, the yard, I want to sit out at night and be able to breath. I don't want to stare at my neighbours house, I don't want to smell their smoke, I don't want to hear their lawnmower, I want peace and quiet but I can't have that right now. I've come to realize that it is nearly impossible given our time frame. It sucks, it's making me cry, it makes me want to scream. I hate this, I hate all of this, I hate my landlord for putting us into this situation. I know hate gets me nowhere but as my counselor said, it's good to acknowledge the negative feelings about the situation. I'm allowed to have them and let them sit for a bit.
I just can't stop shaking. I can't get this headache to go away. I am in so much physical pain It feels like I've been in a really bad car accident (which I have) but the foggy state right after you are hit, the pain that comes weeks after, the shaking from the adrenaline. My chest clutches with pain and shortness of breath (my heart is okay, it's the panic) I begin to question everything, really thoroughly. The thought of moving to a place I hadn't considered causes so much anxiety. The logistics and financial implications make perfect sense but the feel, it's not there. It's filled with anxiety. Its making me sick.
You make an offer, 6 days after you found out you had to move and sit and wait while the offer is being presented. You have good indications that it will be accepted and that makes you more nervous. Every inch of my being wanted to call the realtor and say STOP, pull the offer, I can't do this, but it had to be done. There was the feeling of regret, that I should not have done this but I think it was more being scared of the unknown. The offer is made and when the decision from the sellers is made and the realtor calls to tell you that......