I'm struggling, like really struggling. I know, it's all I have written about lately but it's the truth. There have been a lot of hard days. I'm taking this harder than I thought but then I remind myself, I have not been through this early loss process yet so I have no idea how I would feel or react. I think the worst thing for me is it is bringing up so many painful memories. The deep sadness, the dashed dreams and hope, the empty feeling, the hopelessness. The strike of grief anywhere and everywhere. The reminders of the should have's, the what have's, the only if's. It's all coming back.
Food, if you know someone going through loss (of any kind) bring them food. Bring them food, send them catering, give them giftcards to take out restaurants because I feel the hardest thing to do is cook. It's okay if you don't sweep for a week or two but you have to eat every single day and a few times a day at that. When in grief, you just can't be bothered. Bring or send food. If any one is every struggling with something, provide their meals. They will truly appreciate it more than you could ever imagine!
I remember after Jacob we had people organize to bring us meals and people send us giftcards and it was amazing! Seriously, to know when we were hungry we could just eat without thought, it saved us. Let's just say, this time around they know me by name at A and W. They also know my dietary requirements. But if it means we eat versus not eating, that's all I can manage to do at this point. Thankfully we also have lots of fresh fruit we snack on throughout the day so not totally off the deep end of the nutrition wagon yet.
We went and served our monthly homeless meal last night. I really did not wan to go, I usually look forward to it but while, like everything else, going through a miscarriage everything sucks. It sucks the life out of you. But Stephen and Bee wanted me to go so I trudged through. It was hard, really really hard. To see parents who had 7 kids when they clearly even shouldn't have one ( hate to judge but you know what I mean) and to know we struggle so much with even getting one. Let alone trying again for another. It was hard to watch and see and not feel angry. It's okay to feel angry at such situations. It's part of the grief.
I feel as if I'm moving without living again, I feel this blog is all over the place like in the early grief days where my mind was so rattled, everything jumbled into a mess. I'm trying to connect to hold onto small moments to build back up but this is so hard. I never expected it to be this hard, then again, I didn't know what to expect. I wish somedays we could catch a break, just have comfort in life for a year or two. I know it means hard work but when you have ptsd, anxiety, are going through a miscarriage, taking care of a very active 4 year old, trying to keep up a house, trying to do renos....there is not a drop of energy left at the end of he day to do anything. Trying to get things settled around the house so we at least have that. It's a starting point. Home is my zone. It's where I usually want to be. Somedays I like to just sit inside, other days we do get out and play and plant and work on the yard.
Yard work is fun, or so it is right at the moment. I like mowing the lawn. I had the time of my life tonight with my new weed whacker (thanks mom and dad) learned how to edge using the weed whacker and just went at some tall weeds, nice to make everything look so neat and tidy.....ish. Seriously, I was like a kid on Christmas. But, I felt something there, though for a tiny minute it was still there. I also enjoy getting out in the garden (which is a weeded disaster) but we made a few areas and planted some plants, looks like we may have a good harvest this year and that makes me smile.
Of course there is my sunshine on the cloudy days, my miracle Bee. She truly is a miracle in every sense. She is hilarious. Things that come out of her mouth make me laugh until I cry. She also has a very innocent way of looking at death. She said to me the other day, mom the new baby is in heaven playing with Ty and Jacob and she was so calm and peaceful about and so real that it provided me with some comfort. She is so sure she knows thats where they are and that when we die we will see them again, I don't know what I believe but it makes me comforted to know she is so sure of it.
I really think her going to school is going to affect me a lot more than I let myself to believe. Even this morning, Stephen took her into town to have a morning with her while I went to the dentist, it was weird and quiet without her around. It's going to be an adjustment for me for sure. I am excited for her though and look forward to these new adventures but there was suppose to be another baby and that was the plan. But, our plans never go as...planned. So we are left to wonder.
The next step is going to see a specialist. The fear that, that within itself causes is tremendous; I know it could help, I know it could work but I fear more than anything, now that we decided we want to try again, I fear hearing that my body simply cannot do it. I fear being told there is something wrong with me. I know technology can help but I don't know how more loss my heart can take. Even with adoption there is the risk of loss. Kids are truly miracles, hug yours a little more tonight, there are so many of us who struggle and it's hard. What I would give to require two carseats in my car, to require setting the crib back up, pulling out the cloth diapers and all the baby clothes and toys. It hurts to think there may not be the chance for that again.
I am beyond thankful for the sunshine in my life and seeing and watching her grow is so special. From her first dance recital last weekend to her first soccer game tomorrow, there is no doubt she is growing and constantly asking for a sibling, I only pray, she will be blessed to have that one day. She truly is the sunshine in this rainstorm.