Life was lived this weekend. We headed out of town for my cousins wedding. I was actually looking forward to going, heading out of town, partying it up, staying overnight in a hotel, I honestly looked forward to it. It was the first time in a long time I had semi-excitement about an event. But, as is life, as is my life, some things happened and plans changed. We still went out of town for the wedding and Bee had a fantastic time. We did enjoy ourselves, it was a beautiful wedding and the food was great, it was also nice to see some family we hadn't seen in awhile. Bee normally goes to bed at 6:30 and we didn't make it back to the hotel until 9:30. She slept all night, which has never happened before, but the girl was pooped.
We headed back Sunday for 2 back to back birthday parties. Bee of course had a fantastic time running around at the first party, saw some of her friends, played with balloons, had some food, it was great and we had a great time yet again, but then exhaustion hit. We made it to the 2nd birthday a bit late (Bee was napping) and didn't stay too long as we were all tired. We all fell asleep quickly that night and slept well most of the night.
And just as it was all ending, exhaustion, happiness, life, Monday hit and I became deeply depressed. It made me realize that as much as I come forward I fall back just as hard. It made me realize that I still need plans, I still need to know what is happening and when that changes, when a curve ball is thrown, I don't handle it well. I may make it through at the time but the day or even days after, I can't function. I've been overwhelmed. There has been so much to do and my mind can't think. I cant even write lists at the moments my mind is so cluttered. My mind has never been this bad. I've always been able to keep my shit together, but lately, it's been impossible.
The weather has been wonderful but it always makes my heartache. The fundraiser I have going for the boys seems to be a flop and it pisses me off. Why is it so damn hard to get people to donate in memory of dead children? You have people lining up for ALS, cancer etc but when a bereaved parent tries to honor the memory of their dead children, it's like crickets in a field. Nothing. I understand some people don't want to donate money so I even opted to collect certain things to donate to the charities we picked, but nothing. I know it's not just me, I have talked to numerous other bereaved parents and they all have the same problem.
In addition to everything else that has happened this weekend, my goal this week is just to make it through. Bee snuggled in bed with me for an hour after we got up this morning, which has also not ever happened. I just soaked in every minute, I didn't care we would be late for school, I loved it so much. We have some plans for the weekend but I'll see how she is.
I've really started to try and figure out what she needs. She seems to become over whelmed when we are out with a lot of people and things to see. We let her run around at the wedding and the party and she did pretty well, I'm hoping this weekend when we go out for Doors Open that she will enjoy seeing the places I have planned for her, but I know it may be too much for her right now. I just want her to be okay, I want to enjoy my time with her which includes going out so I have to figure out what she needs and work with that. As much as she is a mini-me she is her own little girl and her needs differ.
I don't ask for a lot, but I would just like a few months of no surprises, at least no bad surprises. I'd like time to get my mind mentally ready for the winter (the depression is always worse but I hope yoga helps), time to figure out what Bee needs, get the house a bit more settled, time to take care of myself. I need to start organizing, I need to start sorting my mind out. Counseling has been helpful and will continue to be but I only have 3 free sessions left and then I have to wait for the trauma program, which at this point I was told I cant even get in for an appointment until November. I so desperately want and need to get into this program and its taking forever. Some good thoughts would be appreciated. This journey is so very hard and a lot of the time I feel quite alone.