I have not written in 22 days. It has not been an easy 22 days, in fact it has been hell. I feel like it's been a total mind fuck. Seriously, the anxiety has riddled my body. The aches have been bad and I've just been trying to survive. It was not a good time to work on the book. I know that now, I can' force it, if it takes a few more months then so be it. I can't force something my mind can't handle. There's been so much going on, not just in our lives but the world. It's hard for a person with anxiety not to feel the affects of things going on all over the world because we're pro at thinking of the worst and if the worst is happening elsewhere, it can happen anywhere.
I'm also frustrated with the programs for mental health. I appreciate they offer some but what people fail to realize is time. What do I mean by that? Depending on when your trauma occurred, you could have 5 years, 10 years, 20 years or 30 years of built up trauma. It took that long to get where your mind is trauma wise and people fail to see that you may need just as much time to sort through all that shit. Most "free" programs offer 12 sessions. 12 session, let that sink in for a minute. You've had, 7 in my case, years of trauma and you get three months to sort through all the shit. Not happening. Usually by meeting 10 people are just getting comfortable with their counselor to start opening up and then bam, sorry done. It makes it very hard to get anywhere mental health wise. I was so thankful that the PTSD program I was accepted into was 2 years. I can't tell you how much that has affected my life in a positive manner. However, I am now left with anxiety and that is destroying my every being. Some days I can't manage, it's easier just to do nothing. Some days If ind motivation to get outside and be with nature.
Add on, the issue of needing childcare and not having it readily available. I feel most programs fail to realize a lot of moms have mental health issues and one of our barriers is childcare. Living in a big city it's a bit more accommodating but living out here in a rural town, there is nothing. There isn't even drop in home day cares. It's no wonder so many people suffer and suffer alone and don't seek help. It's exhausting trying to find help.
My exhaustion is exhausted. My anxiety is anxious. My worries worry. It's not even one big thing, its so many little things. All the little things add up and my isolation does not help. We have lived here 10 months now, it still does not feel like home. I don't know how long it will take. There have been more moments of feeling a small connection so I am hopeful one day it may feel like home. In the meantime, just hanging on. Trying to take each day, day by day. Trying to find ways to make things work. Trying to find motivation to get stuff done. Trying to find energy to keep going.
At the same time, I feel like I'm failing at being a mom. I had this grand idea of what it would look like to be a mom but I also feel, trauma or not, many mothers may feel this way. Parenting is hard and exhausting for many. Letting go of the guilt is hard.People always say to treat children like little adults because they are, I do see value in that. I never make Bee do anything I wouldn't expect another adult to do but at the same time, another adult also wouldn't stop and sit on the ground while hiking, another adult would not pinch, kick, hit or call me names when they are frustrated (or I sure hope they would not) another adult would not lay on the floor in the middle of a store screaming because they want Shopkins. So at the same time I see giving children respect and I do believe in that ( don't make them eat if they don't want, don't make them finish food they don't want, don't make them do something they dont' want to) sometimes, those little adults also need a stern voice because they don't act like little adults (well, unless some become president then apparently childish behaviors are the way to go) but all jokes aside, there is guilt. There is guilt no matter how many times people tell you they are in the same boat. There is always guilt. Just like I hold some guilt over what happened to the boys, though I know now through my therapy that I shouldn't but I do because thats how my mind and body work.
It's hard to be stuck where I am in this moment. It's really hard and has been since we moved. I am isolated, I have no one here and lord knows my social anxiety causes me a lot of grief in being able to seek out anything. We do volunteer at a church once a month serving meals to the homeless and we all enjoy that very much, but it's hard.
I think another thing that really set off this downward spiral was going to church. My faith has been destroyed since our journey began, it's seen a fair share of sharp roller-coaster sips and turns. I'm at a place now where I'm neutral. I haven't been back to "our" church in a few years because going through me emdr made it very hard to face. That church holds a lot of traumatic memories. Ty and Jacob's funerals were both held there. It is also where we got married so happy times too, but the hurt and trauma from Ty and Jacob's death is hard for me to deal with, let alone being in church usually makes me emotional anyways. So I was avoiding it, however, my husband served on Easter and really wanted Bee and I to come so we did. I may not be on board with the whole religious aspect but I love my family and do things to be with them. It was hard, it was very emotional hard. Add that on to the emotions from trying to write the book proposal and it was a lose lose situation. We also went back last week and have been going to his moms church as well (which is easier for me) but the difficulties of church have been sitting heavily upon me. Even if I don't believe in what is going on in church, it sometimes makes me feel better. So I guess I may be more inclined to do that again if my mind will allow for it.
Stuck, it's just how I feel. The guilt is there. The struggles are real. My anxiety is taking over and I need to find a way out. On nice sunny days, we are out working in the garden. There is so much to do and with no landscaping budget this year, it's all about the prep work which is probably more exhausting but being barefoot in the dirt and digging, it soothes the soul. On rainy days, working inside within our budget limitations (think a can of paint) will have to suffice. It's hard to let go of the guilt of not being able to contribute at this point. That is really hard for me. I wish more than anything my mind could just work and function like it needed to, to hold down a job. Maybe I am not giving myself enough credit and would be okay, but if my track record at home has proven anything, it's that I can't even handle the basics at home some day, the anxiety is too much. The guilt is strong with that one. It makes me feel like a failure and while I see that people in my life sort of get it, they don't really get it, not the ones who share in the pain of anxiety. Many people think just "suck it up" and I wish more than anything I could, I really really do. But at this point I can't. I know I need to seek out more counseling for my anxiety but like the issues above, it poses challenges. However, I've never been one to give up and I never will be, I will find solutions, I will make phone calls. and figure something out because I know I need it. I know how helpful the program was for my ptsd, though I still struggle some days, I know I need to find something similar for anxiety.
In the meantime, I will tend to my vegetable garden and hope it isn't a flop. First year doing a big vegetable garden so we'll see how it goes. First year planting the seeds in the ground myself and some haven't sprouted yet so we'll see how it goes. If anything at least it is good to be outside in the sun, it's good for the soul. Just need to remember to take it day by day and hour by hour if need be. We will get where we need to be in a few years, just need to remind myself of that. It may take time but that is okay (I say cringing with discomfort at the sight of some areas of our house that need some major work) in time......everything is in time.