Exhaustion has come on strong this past weekend. I've been exhausted. I've been exhausted with life and have loved every minute of it. We have been go go go with my parents and brother visiting, house hunting, market day, breakfast at Edgar and Joe's, parks, ice cream, walking, so much walking, bike riding, watching baby owls, watching a bald eagle fly over our house, seeing a white dove (the bird enthusiasts in us have been geeking out learning to fly a kite, food. So much life and it has filled me with tears. I'm learning to accept that positive emotions can still show through tears. Tears of love, of happiness of pure joy. The kind you feel deep in your heart.
I've talked a lot about emotions and how it's hard for me to connect with positive emotions but the tricky thing with emotions is how deeply I feel them now. Before they were surface, now they are deep, which when negative is not the best thing. But, when they are positive, when they are positive my god it feels good. There was more than one moment this weekend when I felt them (HURRAH) and it felt so good. Yes I cried but I'm starting to notice a link between those tears and those emotions and yes I did refer to myself as the crying mom the other day and I think it's just a part of the new me. I feel emotions so damn deep that even positive ones bring tears.
If weekends like this have taught me anything, it's that I'm about to crash. I'm about to crash going 100 mph. It may have been a catastrophe in the past but now I'm aware of situations like this and now I've learned how to deal with my body and my mind after exhaustion at this level. Not to say it will be perfect but one of the main things in counseling is to be in the here and now. It's to listen to my body, to listen to my mind, to do what I need. Its to be aware of things going on, being aware of where my feelings and thoughts are and dealing with them. I am still not great at catching them before they happen, or even when they start to happen but when I am in the deep and dark, I'm starting to catch it before I crash and burn.
PTSD is a fine dance. It is a balancing act. It's about being able to manage panic attacks from happening but being okay if they happen. It's about giving yourself some space to do what you need and not feel guilt. Its about learning to accept that the world does not understand how it is to live with such a difficult mental health issue. It's about learning to accept that you will get flack from people but that all that matters is you take care of you. In my case it also means taking care of Bee, but in her I find a lot of motivation and strength.
It's about pursuing more emdr because maybe thats why I'm starting to have happy tears. I can't tell you a time in which I did not cry during an emdr session, the just falls from my eyes, no control tears. It just feels good and when I specifically deal with Ty and Jacob, at least so far, it feels good to let it go. It feels good to be brought back there so I can fix my messed up mind and memories to try and help my brain make connections that are not there. It feels good to leave, with tears in my eyes and a weight off my chest. I don't know if there is a correlation between the two, emdr therapy and the more positive feelings of joy through tears, but they are happening at the same time.
At the same time, I have that fear that shit is about to hit the fan because I still have ptsd and I still have thoughts that go on a wild tangent. I get impatient, I get fearful and I get worried but, that uncomfortable feeling I had had, the one I think is the emotion of being scared. It's not happening as often. I'm able to see that all is well now and that maybe it will continue to be well. Now, I'm not perfect, no one is, I still let my mind go there but I'm learning to catch it and re-route where it wants to go. I still get the fear something will happen. But for now, I also have a very small spot that every so often peeps up and says, we're good. It's all good. Just keep going.