Mother's Day, the one day a year the death of Ty and Jacob really slaps me in the face. I debated writing about it, I've written about how hard it is the last 5 years. I've written about the tears and the horrible feelings, the deep sadness, the missed opportunities. I've written about Ty and Jacob being forgotten, how before Bee came along I was never recognized as a mother. I didn't have a living child, who was to know? I've written about how hard it still is to this day and always will be. The first little boy who made me a mother is not in my arms. I cannot hug him or kiss him. The second little boy who made me a mother again is also not here, more missed hugs and kisses. I do have my beautiful, wonderful miracle baby but it's always a hard day. It's the one day where I really think, this is not how life is suppose to be. This is not how my life was suppose to be. This is not right. I am a mother to 3 but many do not know.
Its a time in which even close family and friends do not acknowledge mothers for who they truly are without a living child. I've lived 3 years as a mother on mothers day with no living children. It's as hellish as it sounds. But this year, I wanted to talk about a memory that has stuck with me for all those years, my first mothers day.
It had been 7 months since we buried Ty and only shy of a week since we found out Jacob would die as well. Lets just say I was in the pit of hell. I did not want to celebrate, my heart was too broken. I could barely survive. I was not up for much but food became my go to so I wanted to go somewhere I could get the greasiest, most comforting food and all I could think of was Denny's. I also figured it wouldn't be too busy because I was sure not many people would go to Denny's for Mothers Day brunch. Well, I was wrong on that front and we ended up having to wait 45 minutes but I didn't care, I wanted grease and lots of it so we waited.
Seeing all the moms with their kids was difficult so I tried to focus on my grease indulgence (which was so delicious at the time), Then, as we were leaving, something very special happened and I remember it to this day. It was only Stephen and I, we had no kids with us, but as we paid, the cashier looked at me, grabbed one of the carnations they were giving to moms and said Happy Mother's Day. That little act has stuck with me since. We did not have kids with us, I should not have gotten a flower, but it was almost like she knew and her act of kindness meant a lot to me. I sure as hell was not happy, but I wasn't even thinking that at the moment. She was one of a very few to recognize me as a mother on that day (the only other person I remember were my parents).
You find joy and happiness in such small things. I may have lost my innocence and naiveness, but I feel like I gained my sight. My sight to life, my sight to seeing what is truly important and the small things that can truly make a difference in someones day. That lady will never know how much of an impact that little act of kindness meant to me. It's just one of those moments I like to remember.
To all mothers (with living children or not, fur babies or not, babies who grew in their hearts and in anothers tummy) have a peaceful day, enjoy all that you are and know you are loved and above all, you ARE a mother.