The key is in possession. The house is official. My mind has packed its bags and left. I am so disconnected from reality. It's gone. It's off on it's own somewhere. I can't think, it took me a good 20 minutes to think of the name of the things on the side of the road (shoulders). I feel I'm watching someone else live, just like after Ty and Jacob died but this time, it's a good thing and I want to connect. I just can't seem to be in the now. It's been so overwhelming but in a good way and yet I regress back to what I do best, let the ptsd run my life. I'm struggling, I'm struggling every single day trying to hold onto the good. I'm trying to acknowledge the good, I'm trying to connect with the excitement and they do creep up for a few seconds at a time. Tearing shit down from the walls, ripping things out of the walls, buying paint, everything is so real. It feels good. It's going to be home. It will be the next chapter of life and whatever it has to throw my way.
Feel, I just need to feel. I need to step out of this imaginary world inside my head and connect with what is infront of me but it's hard. We started emdr again since I only have a few more months in the program and I want to work my way through. I think it's hindering the now, it's stressful, it's emotional and it's exhausting on top of everything else so no wonder my brain has left. It's hard. It's really hard to accept. It's like that scene in OITNB where Lorna is talking about how she is messing everything up and it's hard because she can see herself doing it but can't stop. It's like you sit there watching your mind go different ways when you know they shouldnt be but yet you can't stop it. For me it's watching everything going on infront of me but not being able to join in on the reality. It's difficult for me to accept because this is a time when good feelings should be there (as well as the anxiety) but my mind has left me with nothing. I'm just watching life go by, just like I did for so many months but this time, it's different because I am aware of it and it pisses me off I cant get out of it. I'm sure time will help, I'm sure my session tomorrow will help, but being aware is hard because I feel it's more of a struggle for me.
When I was handed the key to the house, I felt nothing. Where was all the pomp and circumstance? Years working towards this goal and when it happened, nothing. Perhaps it's because it didn't happen on my time. Perhaps it's because it wasn't in an area I thought I'd ever move to. Perhaps the anxiety of the situation took over my mind and body and has shielded me from getting hurt. All I could think about the night before was that the other shoe will fall. Something has to happen, this good thing will somehow go wrong and now I'm scared. I'm scared something will happen. I'm back to the being over cautious, being over aware of everything. I'm looking for small things in the house that could lead to big issues. My mind is just gone and I honestly have no idea how to get it back. I guess it's beneficial to know it's gone, be aware of that fact so I can warn others. I start to babble, my short term memory doesn't work, I forget things easily, I can't think of things as easily, I may ask the same question a few times a day. I feel so lost.
I see everything right before me but I can't grasp it. Tonight I just held Bee and we talked for 30 minutes about everything and I just stroked her hair, looked into her eyes and tried to be in the now, tried to connect with the reality of life. Sometimes its hard for me to process that she is here and she is mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm just watching her grow but I'm not really there. Everything in life right now seems like that and then I get the scary uncomfortable feeling. It scares me because I don't like feeling like this, I want to be present, I want to be in the now. It scares me that I feel like I have no control over myself (in the sense of bringing my mind back) but I have 1 1/2 of counseling and hard work to remind myself that this too will pass. I have grounding techniques I can keep doing even if they aren't working in the now, repeating them should work. I remind myself that I am very aware and tell myself all sorts of things about it will be okay, no wonder my mind feels this way, just do what I can. I don't think it helps one bit that I have a horrible cold and have for a week and it's not getting better. I physically feel horrible, which I usually do with anxiety anyways, but I can't do anything about this. I have to give it time, just like everything else.
Elbow grease seems to help these days. I tried explaining that one to Bee the other day, it was a good laugh. Elbow grease is keeping me grounded. It may not be keeping me fully in the now but it is keeping my mind somewhere and focused. The house/houses are a disaster, thats what happens when you move. I have 25 more days to leave this place, which no doubt will be emotional and cause a new set of weird feelings. But, I feel the rush now. So much elbow grease work to be done and packing and moving and it all seems so daunting. I already feel behind on my tasks to get done. I know my main task is taking care of Bee and I can tell now that packing is happening, she's starting to struggle a bit. Her toys are packed (most of them but not all) there is crap everywhere (cluttered space equals cluttered mind) routines are out the window, food, well, cereal and fruit most days since we are so busy with everything else. I'm thankful for her school, I can count on that for her for a few days for another month or two. Then, life will change and we'll have to re-adjust..
I know what needs to be done, I know what is to come but I can't feel. I'm numb, literally and figuratively. I think I pinched a nerve taking down some shelves today. It felt good though, to work on my house. Still, the concept is not there and perhaps it will change once we move in and are living there, but right now, it doesn't feel like it. It's still strange. I wonder if it had been a year further when I was ready, if it would still feel like this. No one will know but it is still so strange to me. I officially placed an order and used the new address, twice now. Still, seems so unreal. I know its the mind hiding and trying to protect my heart but I'm aware of it and I'd really like for it to come back. I miss it. I want to feel excitement, a lot more than I am. Maybe hours of painting will help. I don't know what will help and feel helpless about it. It's a struggle. I find this year to date has been a struggle but in that struggle I have also accomplished great things (for myself) maybe small to others but for me, big steps. I'm moving forward, maybe without my mind, but my feet are still moving. I may not feel excited rather anxious most days but I'm aware of it now.
25 days will be here before I know it.I only have 6 full days where I can do a lot of work myself, the rest of the time, others will be helping. Just seems so overwhelming. Really is incredibly overwhelming to me, add on the list of things I still need to get because when you own a home it comes with things (lawn mower, couch, free standing umbrella, outdoor furniture set, hammock) okay maybe I don't NEED the hammock but it's something I'd like. The stress of getting all of that and being able to find things I can afford, it's hard, especially with moneypit cat. Maybe I should get a job at the vet clinic, get a discount and work close to home, that may be an idea. Not really, I'd ball my eyes out every time an animal is put to sleep. It's life though, always a struggle and learning how to cope with them. It's about learning to open your eyes to the good and connect with those feelings. Hold on to them ever so tightly when they do emerge. Cherish them. Accept the numb stage and know it too shall pass. It has too.......