Stephen and I headed to the hospital a few nights ago. I had a scheduled test in the evening. I hadn't been looking forward to it, not because of the test itself, but rather, we would have to go back to the area of the hospital I have been avoiding. Yes, I go to counseling at the same hospital but it is in a different area. Yes, it still is hard for me to go because it's the same drive, the almost same parking and the memories but I have been okay because it hasn't been the same halls I walked so many times.
The nerves began when we left. The got worse as our drive progressed and as we were circling the parking garage to find a spot, the nausea started. Walking in through those doors and down the halls, my legs almost crumbled from under me, but I kept going. I was disoriented. I have walked those halls so many times, knew where everything was but felt so very far away. It was a good thing Stephen came with me or I would have not been able to find the place.
I checked in and we sat down to wait. As we were sitting there, there was a medical show on TV. Of all the shows, of all the times, of all the things that could have been on tv at that exact moment, it was a medical show about a women delivering a baby at 24 weeks and signing a death certificate. I sat there with tears n my eyes and thought, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Honestly, it strikes when least expected. As if going to the hospital and walking those halls I had been avoiding wasn't enough, this show had to remind me of why I hated being there. Stephen said he'd jump over the reception desk to turn off the TV, I love him, but I told him no. I was hoping by the time the commercials were over and it was showing the baby being born and dying that I'd be in getting my test done. Thankfully, that's what happened but poor Stephen had to sit there and painfully watch that shit.
Seriously, we have some pretty bad timing and shitty luck. We have both avoided going to the hospital for so long now. It just feels so, it's hard to describe, there is just something in both of us that rises when we walk through that place and to add the cherry on top, way to remind us why we hate it so much (not that we'd ever forget).