It always catches me off guard when people mention how interested and how interactive Bee is with older children. I've known this to always be the case and today when I picked her up from school, they mentioned it again. Since little miss Nancy no nap decided not to nap they sent her to the awake room (which just has older kids who don't nap) I guess Bee does really well with the older kids and they mentioned today how much she enjoys one particular older girl. They play together all the time, the older girl helps Bee out, they get a long well and they hug and kiss good bye. But today it caught me off guard because they asked the dreaded question. Does she have older siblings? I hesitated for a minute before I decided to say no.
Every time I say no, a part of me wants to die. It's like I am not doing justice for Ty and Jacob. Yes she does have older siblings is what I wanted to say but I was in no mood to explain that they both died. Sometimes when I do mention them I feel as though I am being judged as a parent, like I did something wrong to cause their deaths because they never ask for the full story. But today I said no. I thought about it the whole way home and got teary eyed. Bee should be good with older kids because she should have two brothers at home playing with her.
I sometimes feel she knows that and perhaps that is why she feels more comfortable with older kids. I have no doubt she knows Ty and Jacob and the incident in the car a few weeks ago just made me realize she probably truly does know them and see them. I just wish they were here for her, instead of her trying to feed their bears cereal, I wish it were them. I often find myself apologizing to her, saying sorry they aren't here, and maybe one day she will tell me it's okay. I do feel bad that she doesn't have her older siblings here and its evident at so many moments of the day. But sometimes it still catches me off guard.