Something has happened in my state of grief. Something I never in a million years would have guessed could ever happen. I'm late. Let my preface this with, prior to my trauma, I was the person who would show up for appointments at least 15 minutes early. I would show up anywhere I needed to be 15 minutes early. I never ran late, I was always early. It was a part of my needing to be perfect and needing to be organized personality. But grief has changed me and now, I can't tell you the last time I was really on time for something (given some appointments I do make it to on time or even a few minutes early but that's more so I can calm my anxiety). But these days, Bee has been sleeping in until 9 some mornings, she is suppose to be at school by 9 (and by school I mean daycare not actual school). I even had to wake her up the other morning, but most days we stroll in late, no hurry, no rush, just easy breezy. Go with the flow, go with our own flow.
I never thought these days would come, when we do things on our own time. Living in a society who heavily looks down upon that does pose challenges some days but I think I prefer it. I like this, go at your own pace, do what you can when you can. I've even come to the point where I don't always care if I am late. I was late for class the other day and other then knowing people were looking me at, I did not care. Me not care? Never would have guessed that but that morning we slept in and I was okay with that. We take most mornings slow and aren't in a huge rush so when Bee didnt get up until 8:15 and I had to get her and I ready, out the door, to school and to my class, I knew I'd be late. I didn't let it bother me like it would have. I just accepted it for what it was, a late morning.
It causes a lot less stress, we both are happy go with not rushing, I feel more at peace, I've accepted that I dont always have to apologize or at least give a reason as to why I'm late. Life happens. I have a preschooler, I have ptsd, I'm exhausted most of the time, I sometimes forget about things, I don't want to be in a rush or moody and driving like a maniac (lord knows there are enough maniac drivers out there). I like this peaceful easy going life. It goes along with my desire to live outside the big city. Take things in time and in stride, at our pace. I know when Bee does go to school she will have to be on time, but for most things, I'm okay with being a bit late these days. I'm actually okay if we make it out the door with clothes on and have eaten something for breakfast. So, sorry to those who end up waiting for me (or us) we;ll get there but on our own time.