For the last 3 weeks, Bee and I have suffered through pneumonia. It has been HELL. If you've ever pneumonia, you know how hard it can be. We've been miserable. I ache in places I didn't know exist. Bee, being the little warrior, barely acted like she was even sick. She bounces back with such resilience. I have to say, this winter has been brutal, week after week we have been sick. It has worn us down. We are ready for spring! But, this winter being sick was different than last. Maybe its because we were sick so much, but I didn't fear her dying. I didn't fear her to stop breathing through the night. I wasn't losing sleep staying awake watching her belly move up and down. I wasn't taking her temperature every 2 hours. I treated her illness the best I could and snuggled a lot but I didn't panic.
It's a step in parenting I didn't imagine ever crossing, but I did. Looking back, starting in November when we started to get sick, I've seen us both grow. Not only has Be grown resilient to being sick but I have grown in my resilience to not freak out. Of course, I will always worry about her, I will worry about her safety, I will fear her dying. I know that is a normal parental reaction, we worry about our kids. But before, for me, it was such an intense fear that it made me hinder her life. I avoided things for so long because I was afraid. But, not to let her being sick throw me off my path is huge for me. I've watched myself go through these illness's one after the other, each once testing me more and more, especially with the bout of pneumonia, those coughs are just dreadful. I felt so sorry for her tiny body, I ached, she must have ached too but I didn't worry about her choking on her saliva or mucus during the night and dying (perhaps its because neither of us really slept for a week because we were literally up all night coughing) Maybe its because of the no sleep and my zombie like state, but when I could sleep I didn't need to have my hand on her, I didn't need to hold my hand up to her nose to make sure she was breathing. I just let her be and we go on. It's a step in my journey that I did not expect, but it's a nice one.
I do hope the pneumonia was our last bout of illness for this season and we are more than ready for spring. Come on sun and warmer weather!