After Ty died I went to the cemetery every day, I kid you not, I was there everyday for quite a few weeks. As winter came, the visits became limited to 3 times a week. We then became pregnant with Jacob and my cemetery visits continued, even when I returned to work. I always stopped by on my way home from work as it was right on the way.
When we received Jacobs diagnosis going to the cemetery became hard. Knowing that the plot beside Ty would soon hold another one of our children was tough, but I still went. I prayed and I cried. I laid on Ty's plot dreaming of my boys playing together, running through the cemetery.
After Jacob passed away, before he was buried, we went to visit Ty and as we pulled up I noticed the plot beside him had been dug up and was ready for a cemetery. At first I thought that poor family, it took me a minute to realize we were that poor family. After Jacob was buried, I started visiting the cemetery every day again. It became my place of solace. I felt peace, I felt comfort, I felt I belonged there.
Winter again brought shortened visits but I was still there many times a week. Months passed by and many visits later we became pregnant with Bee. I again clung to the cemetery. I needed the peace, I needed the comfort. I sat and cried so many days begging the boys to protect their sister. I begged them to let her live but my eyes did occasionally glance over at the plot beside Jacob. I envisioned having to sit with all three but begged for them to not let it happen.
I also envisioned bringing Bee (a living version) home from the hospital and planned our first stop to be at the cemetery. I knew Bee would know Ty and Jacob but it was important for me to introduce her to my slice of peace and serenity. And so it happened, on the way home from the hospital, me in my swollen feet in my slippers, snow on the ground, cold winter air, we stopped and introduced Bee to Ty and Jacob.
We made the plan to visit at least every Sunday, which at first we were there a few times a week but then life took over and it became every Sunday. Bee and I would pop in sometimes throughout the week but life happened and our visits became less. Guilt took over that we were not going as much but after many months of soul searching, I let myself rid the guilt. I had to take care of Bee and that was my first priority. We'd get to the cemetery to visit when we could (which recently has been a few times a week). Sometimes when I want to walk but don't feel like it we head to the cemetery.
Stephen was free this weekend so we all piled into our car and headed to visit the boys. As we pulled into the cemetery Bee started smiling and saying Ty, Ty. She knew the gates, she knew where we were because that is the life she was dealt. We got out of the car and she ran to Ty and Jacobs graves. She started waving and saying Hi and it killed me.
It killed me because it was another reminder of what should have been. Bee should not be at the cemetery every week visiting her brothers, they should be at home, cuddling in bed with her. She shouldn't run up to their graves and have a peaceful look, waving hi to them with no response. Its shitty, I'm sorry Bee, it's shitty. But thank you for being so awesome and warming my heart by talking to Ty. I'm sure once you can say Jacob better, you'll warm our heart even more.