Life sometimes feels like I am living in a rabbit hole, deep dark underground. Sometimes I wish I could strap a go pro camera to my brain so people could get a glimpse of how hard I have to work everyday to manage my ptsd. To show people why I'm always so exhausted, why its hard for me to do much, how frustrated I get at myself.
My brain can't function properly. Many days it's hard enough for me to do the basics. Some days I am amazed that Bee and I are both fed, cleaned and seemingly content. Some days I feel judged as being lazy because I don't do much and it's hard because I get frustrated at myself. I get frustrated over the fact that I can barely do shit when before all of this happened, I could get 100 things done in a day and now, I count it as a win if I get 5. It's hard to let that part of myself go. It's hard to be gentle on myself for knowing I'm not there yet and may never be able to function at the capacity that I use too. It frustrates the hell out of me.
Then there are the scary feelings and I have been working my ass off in counseling and at home to manage those scary feelings, To acknowledge them and recognize that they are only feelings, they are not in my mind, the thoughts only come if I let the feelings take control. It's scary as shit sometimes to have these feelings, I've never had these and to have to deal with them now, it's tough. It's exhausting to try and calm myself when I have a scary feeling because I have to remember to breathe and constantly remind myself that they are feelings, in my chest not my mind.
There's also the lack of accomplishment which is very hard for me to handle. Or at least the lack of accomplishment in my eyes. I use to be good a my job, damn good in deed, I would always go above and beyond and people who notice. I had goals, I had dreams. I worked hard to save so we could buy a house, get everything settled once Ty was born, but those days were buried and trying to dig them out has been hell. I can barely function at home and the thought of returning to a job makes me sick to my stomach, it causes a full blown panic attack. I can't be held responsible, I can't have restraints put on me, that's not how my brain works right now, that's not how my emotions work right now. But at the same time, financially I know it's needed. It's a tough spot to be in but I know for my health, for my mental health, nothing can be done at this moment and it frustrates me yet again that it has to be this way.
I'm so anxious to get into a house, not only because it was our plan 6 years ago when we had money saved and we both had jobs and were working full time but the bigger issue, death. I fear dying, not dying itself (though the manner and what happens after does get to me somedays) but Bee. I fear dying now and leaving Bee. It kills me to think that could happen and I guess what I really want is to get into a house. Make it a home for her. Have everything set for her so that if anything should happen, I know she will be okay. She will have things set for her, she will have a place to call home that I made home for her. I know people would be there to take care of her and make sure she feels loved but for me, her mom, I want to do things to demonstrate my love for her should I not be able to get the chance for many years. I want her to be able to go into her room and see it filled with my love, for her, for her being, for her being my light and life.
I feel so dark and alone sometimes, burrowed away in my rabbit hole where no one can find me or help me out. I have support but for anyone who has ptsd knows, those without ptsd, they cant always provide the support needed and sometimes its because we don't even know what we need ourselves. My counselor and I talk about so many things, how much distress I have been in lately, how much I can't be in the moment and always thinking about the future, how I really need to write a list of my needs, one for myself (what I need for myself) and one for my partner (what I need in a partner). It's tough to know what I need from myself but it's the most important one. There is no guarantee I will always have a partner by my side, life happens, it can be shitty, people die, things happen but as long as I am living, I will always have me.
I may be broken, I may be fixing myself, I may always be vulnerable and struggle but knowing what I need and then being able to also voice it is important. I owe it to myself to know what I need. Somedays I may be okay living life in a rabbit hole (hey I do have social anxiety after all so avoiding social situations is my cup of tea) but I want other rabbits to join me. I want us all to figure out what we need and help eachother out of the hole. I want those who do not understand ptsd to give us a break. Living with ptsd is not easy. It's a daily struggle. It's a struggle to keep my mind from going there. It wanders so damn much, it's like it needs a gps with directions from point a to point b with no scenic views on the way.