For the first time in years I finally feel like one of our biggest goals is in reach. I finally feel like we can almost grasp it.
But even as good as things are right now, the pit in my stomach is on guard. My brain is on guard, every cell in my body is on guard waiting. It's waiting for everything to be turned upside down. It's waiting for things to go horribly wrong because if they have in the past than surely, it will happen again because bad things always happen right? Not necessarily.
My counselor calls it my PTSD brain. She explains it as the inability to turn off the part that worries. Even if I know my thoughts are illogical, I can't turn them off. It doesn't work like that, it's not that easy.
It's also been hard for me to recognize that nothing significantly bad has happened since Bee was born. In fact I can tell you the slew of things that were positive and uplifting but my brain inhibits me to feel it, to connect to the positive.
I'm constantly on guard for the next bad thing to happen and I am busting my butt trying to re-wire my brain not to work like that. The work is exhausting, it's hard, it's emotional, it's challenging but even recognizing the small steps I have made has made me feel hopeful.
Tonight at dinner, I ate my childhood and I cried. Spanish rice made me cry happy tears, warm tears. Making an old family recipe that my great grandmother made for my grandmother who then made it for my dad who then made it for me and now I get to pass it on to Bee. It's not only a delicious recipes (which I will be posting on Baby's Nest) but it connected me to my childhood. The taste, the smell, it brought me back to happy times and made me realize as I sat around the dinner table tonight, this is something Bee will get to have. 5 generations of a recipe passed down to the 6th. It made me smile, everything that girl does makes me smile, as challenging as she is sometimes, she is my everything.
So on days when I worry, I try to remind myself that at this moment, things are okay and that even though bad things happens, I can't control them but I can control how I live my life in preparation for them .