Sometimes I feel like I am being punished, like I did something so horrible that I deserve to suffer from now until my death day. The suffering has felt heavy lately. I've been struggling with my anxiety, as the last few posts have mentioned. Life has been going on and while it was small things that all led up to me being overwhelmed and shut down, something recently happened that has sent me back quite a few steps.
I've debated whether or not to write about this as it is personal, but then I realized I share a lot of personal things and this is a part of my love and loss journey. This is the heartache that so many women suffer through. I was hesitant to mention it because for the most part, Stephen and I have not told people we were "trying" again. It was our secret, our solace. It was suppose to end with a surprise post about our new addition and instead...well here's how it began.
Bee, Stephen and I decided our hearts weren't full enough and we wanted to add another edition to our family. All 3 of us agreed that our hearts were in a place of want. We wanted another baby. It took a couple of months of "not preventing" but in May, after a missed cycle, I decided to test. I got a very faint positive. A positive non-the-less but very faint. I didn't tell a sole. I didn't feel very pregnant, okay I didn't feel pregnant at all so I kept taking tests and they all came up very faint. I went to see my gp and her test was negative so she sent me for bloodwork. It came back very very low. Not a number it should have been, but "every pregnancy and every number is different" so I repeated the test. Still at this point, I had not told a sole. I had to wait 5 long days to repeat my blood work and one morning at 4am, I checked my blood test results and saw the heartbreaking news. My levels had not doubled, in fact they didn't move much. My heart sank. My Dr called and said it didn't look good. I called my OB to schedule an appointment and that morning I decided to tell Stephen.
All my excitement and plans to tell him in a fun way were dashed and instead I presented him with the stick of heartbreak and said we're pregnant but it's not going to be viable. I couldn't stop crying, for days. Why, why is this happening? After all we have been through why must I suffer a miscarriage? Why, what have I done? I'm heartbroken.
This child was wanted, this child was planned for and prayed for and yet again, my heart breaks even more. I really can't find the words.
The worst part was knowing I just have to wait. finding out it could be a week or a few more weeks until nature takes its course. There is nothing I can do but wait. It ruined June, so many plans have to be put on hold, a family vacation finally scheduled has to be postponed because I can't risk going and going through a miscarriage. All the while I sill have to have ultrasounds and blood tests and with each one hear on repeat its not viable and time will take course, or surgery if need be. I just want it over and done with, I want this horrible nightmare to end.
The grief is immense. I can't compare this grief to Ty or Jacob because it is a different situation and within it's own situation, there is heartbreak, there is emotions, there is trauma, there is devastation, different then Ty but then so was the grief from Ty to Jacob. It's different but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. I've never been one to say early miscarriages didn't hurt because they were early, I've always said they matter, just like a full term loss. To each person, the grief carried is different. Some may brush it off, but others may fall. I'm falling. It doesn't matter if I was only 6 weeks, this baby was wanted, this baby was a leap of faith taken to try once more and it has set me back so far into my grief, so far back into my ptsd.
All I can do is cry and wonder why, what is the reason? I have a lot of guilt and self hate right now. I hate the waiting, it is cruel to sit and wait. Knowing that I am pregnant but knowing that we will not be bringing a baby home in 9 months. I know people questioned us when we tried for Bee, I know people will question us about trying again, that's why we were keeping it secret. I know people will say give up or just adopt. I'ts not that easy. Don't get me wrong, we've talked a lot about adoption and it may be the way to go if we keep having reoccurring loss. But it's not easy just to give up on something you really want. I get that. We've had people say we should be thankful we have Bee, I try not to punch them in the face, their just.....clueless. We've had people say to just give up already, clearly it's a sign we aren't suppose to have kids. We've had people ask why we would do it again, risk it all again. We've had people say at least you have one living one. This is the reason we chose to keep it a secret, not because we were early on in this pregnancy and the baby could die, it was because of the harsh backlash people feel the need to voice. It's hard to ignore because a lot of the time I do wonder why I'd put myself through this again.
Not only has this been devastating, I have a 4 year old at home who wants to know why mommy is crying all the time and what the pink stick mean, trying to make sure we don't tell her too much because I don't want her telling everyone. It's not that I want to hide it from her, but I want to hide the innocence of a 4 year old telling the cashier mommy has a baby in her belly but it will die. I rather avoid such situations so trying to find the right wording while also being honest is hard. Add on the grief and the lack of motivation to do anything other than cry, it's hard for her too I'm sure.
Its just a hard time and mentally it is setting me back even more. My body has begun the physical side of the miscarriage but I'm scared because I don't know what to expect. I've never had a loss this early but the sadness is taking me back to a dangerous place. Sitting outside today, the warm sun, the cool breeze and the smell of bonfires brought me back to Fall. Fall, such a heartbreaking time for me. It's bringing so much of Ty and Jacobs death back, the pure heartbreak, the sadness, the empty feeling. The anger, the devastation.
All we ever wanted was a big family and yet we can't have that. For some reason, I have problems with being pregnant. I'm not surprised with the things that have been going on lately, but I want answers. I just want a break, we just want another healthy baby but it seems that will be another journey just to get there again. I don't know if I can do it.... I don't know if my body can do it.
I ache, my whole body aches with sadness. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I feel gross. I feel really down right now, as I should and as I'm allowed to feel. No medication will make the pain go away, counseling will help in time but I'm tired of people telling me to do this and that to feel better. Let those in grief wallow on their own time, they are entitled to it. I will figure it out on my own in my own time.
My depression seems to be rising as does my ptsd and anxiety. I'm starting to live in the worry and fear again. I'm grasping to hang onto the now, to look forward to all the exciting things we have coming up, that is the light. Plus I have a 4 year old who demands me and my attention almost 24/7 and is pretty cute and has this death thing down solid. Keeps telling me the new baby is having fun with Ty and Jacob in Heaven playing on all the playgrounds and telling me it's okay we'll have another baby. If only I could have her outlook. If only this was all another bad dream instead of reality.