Shit, it's mid-November and I have not lost all aspects of my mind this year. First time in 6 years where I have hit this time of year and not fallen into a million pieces. It feels so strange. I even had an okay day this week, with happy tears and all. HAPPY TEARS. I connected to a positive moment during this time of year WTF. Seems EMDR really does help. No more wallowing in self pity (though I still have a small pity party every now and then) but this year, I'm too damn excited for Christmas. I cannot wait to begin decorating. We also know that we moved to a good neighbourhood because our neighbours are already decorating for Christmas, lights up trees up, other decor up. My kind of people! Funny, seeing as for the past 5 years I loathed Christmas. I cried and screamed and wanted nothing to do with it. But this year, sign me up for the cookie exchanges, bring out the decorations now, lets go shopping for our life spin family (favourite tradition for Christmas) cook some hot chocolate and add whipped cream, go skating, bake, bake, bake, eat lots of yummy food, hang out with family and friends. No more hiding. I've always loved Christmas and the excitement for it is finally returning.
I just want to high five my self all day long. I feel energized (well as energized as a work at home with a 4 year old, hypothyroid, ptsd, anxiety mom can) I look forward to things I actually connect to excitement and have a small feeling in my heart. It's there, I can feel it and it's going to be amazing. I've also learned my expression of happiness now comes with tears but I'm okay with that because it's true happiness felt on such a deep level. It's not just a smile or a slight sense of excitement. I feel my emotions deeply now, which isn't always a good thing, but when they are happy, it's great!
Positivity has always been a struggle for me post trauma. Finding motivation or energy to do things hasn't been there. It's been hard work to even get a few moments of happiness, to find a few moments of true peace. I know its exhausting but I also know 100% it's worth it. Just like trying to get pregnant again with Bee. All of if is worth it. I know I still have a long road, 4 more counseling sessions and I'm on my own. I'm scared shitless, I really am. I'm looking into some monthly options just so I can keep in contact because going from once a week every week for two years to nothing, it really feels scary. Not that I don't think I can do it, but that's a huge change and I don't adjust quickly to new things so I have to take baby steps. Life is all about baby steps. One day they may be giant leaps, but for now baby steps. I've taken baby steps all year and look where I am now, excitement, I feel excitement and have had okay days. But going to nothing, I don't feel ready for that yet. As strong as I feel these last few days, I know it will dull and be left to settle somewhere in the I'm doing okay ;land.
It's actually not the worst land to be in, I am very slowly starting to accept being okay with being okay. I have learned so much about emotions and thoughts over the last year and it takes a long time to process it all but I'm getting there. It will still be a long journey but at least now I feel like I have my feet back on the ground for a better part of the day. At least I haven't flipped my shit yet and it's almost the end of this year. It may or may not still hit but even if it does, I think this year I may be able to handle it. I don't think I'll need to build my cocoon and hide away until the Spring. Now, if I can work on eye contact and small talk, we'll be moving some more steps forward and let me tell you, signing up to sell at shows, that's pushes those steps pretty intensely right now. Whew, but thank god for old people and their kindness and need to carry a conversation. I'll be hanging out with the silver tips, they are a wealth of knowledge. Really though, old people have a lot of interesting things to say and maybe it's the history geek in me that LOVES listening to people talk about their lives back in the :"old days" but I love it. They also make really good soup and cookies. Have you ever found that church food always tastes so good? I don't know what it is, maybe God's love but church food is so yummy. Today, some amazing person decided that making roasted butternut squash soup wasn't enough, they added garlic and curry and wow, I need that recipe. I could have licked the pot clean. Speaking of which, do you also notice kids lick a lot of strange things? Please tell me I am not the only one with a child who licks the weirdest things. I have had to tell my child to stop licking something I never though I would have had to.
I've gone off on one of my rambles, blog all over the place, mind all over the place. Addicted to books, did I mention I have become a book addict? I cannot get enough of them. Once all the Christmas crafts shows are over and I take a few weeks off after Christmas, I intend on sitting and reading as much as I can. I'm plowing through books over here like farmers plow during the harvest. Which I am only assuming is fast as I've never seen it or done it so no idea. So many good books, the last one caught me by surprise. I've mentioned my knack for picking books that always touch on the subject of child loss, the last one I knew but the second to last chapter got so steamy, Not the type of chapter I would expect in that kind of book but well placed and well written. If you have any good book suggestions, leave them below. It's just nice to be able to read books again that aren't Walter the Farting Dog, Fartsy Claus, Dora, Disney Princess, Max and Ruby, Paw Patrol etc, I mean I love saying goodnight to the construction site, but not every night.
All in all today was....wait for it.. another okay day. I still do not feel comfortable saying the word good because I associated good with bad but there is really no negative association for okay so today was an okay day, maybe really okay would define it a bit better but if more of these days happen (minus the raging migraine) I would be okay with that. I no longer hold onto guilt about having okay days. I accept them, I welcome them, I deserve them and see that now. My eyes have been opened but now they are closing because I am exhausted, I'm an exhausted pigeon. I really don't have energy but at least I get shit done now.