Life is truly like a roller-coaster. It has it's ups and downs and for our family, I find the two are closely related, meaning it's hilly as hell. Steep, deep hills. Fast and swervy. The last few weeks have been the perfect example of when life goes to hell. How the roller-coaster feels like it will de-rail.
It started off with excited anticipation. We bought a pass last year to go to a water park in Niagara Falls. We have been looking forward to going for months. It was kind of one of those things I wasn't suppose to be able to do because I was suppose to be pregnant. So after the miscarriage and after my two week wait to get the go ahead, we woke up one Monday morning and decided to go that day. We quickly packed (which is very rare for me, I usually need a few good days but yeah for being spontaneous) and headed off. We had the time of our life and I truly mean that. I smiled and felt warmth and peace and just some really good feelings and emotions were had. Bee had her first experience at Rainforest Cafe and loved it. Then we spent 5 hours at the water park. Let me give you a bit of advice right now, take your kids to a water park and I don't just mean "take the kids", I mean take yourself too. Just go and do it. I even flipped over face first in the wave pool and just laughed at myself.
It was more than just about having fun too. It was a step forward for me. The fact that it was a spontaneous trip was huge, it was only for a night but it was still a few hours from home and that is not normally something I would do but thankful that we did. Prior to the trip, I had to find a bathing suit. I don't like shopping for regular clothes let alone bathing suits. I went 4 days after my miscarriage. Talk about self confidence and body issues at that point. But I actually found one I liked. I put that bathing suit on that Monday and took 5 hours to enjoy life.
There is always joy in seeing Bee have fun. The girl has not stopped asking about going back. She just had too much fun, but then again we all did and we all really want to go back. We stayed together as a family racing down slides together but then Stephen and I also took some time by ourselves to go on the bigger slides. This for me was HUGE. Here's the thing, I have a fear of water slides. Yup, me, afraid of water slides. More so the ones that are covered because as a small child, one of my excursions at Wally World (yes there is a place called Wally World) almost ended up in me drowning. I went down a covered slide and the amount of water splashing in my face was so much I couldn't breathe. I choked and have been scared ever since. So I started small, I went on the tube slides that were open, then to the one that was partially covered, then the one that was mostly covered then the one that was completely covered. I faced fears. I almost barfed with nervousness while waiting in line, I had to really focus on breathing and inner self talk, almost chickened out so many times but I did it and I went again and again. It was actually fun. I even went down the racing slides with the mat that you go face first on, didn't like it but I faced me fear and did it. Won't do it again, but I did it. I faced my fear of water slides and now I can't wait to go back with Bee when she is tall enough for the bigger slides and get to experience that again with her. I mean the happy emotions were real, honest real feel good emotions and for a few hours, it was just so much fun. So go, take you and your kids to a water park and go down those slides. I didn't even think about how I looked for one second. It was awesome.
The whole trip was. Walking by the falls, the tantrum by the falls, breakfast that was more like dessert, time with family, shopping at IKEA.. It was much needed. I definitely needed a few days to recover as my anxiety overwhelmed be after all was said and done. However, life right? Turns out we were needed up in Wasaga Beach on Wednesday to help Stephens grandma move. Talk about more spontaneity. We had just got home on Tuesday and here we were rush packing again to head off. Bee and I didn't have to go but we wanted to. So quickly got everything together and in place for the cats while we were gone and headed off. The drive there and back was wonderful. So many small little towns, really cool houses and the greenery up north is breathtaking.
We got settled in a nice little suite, walked to the beach then headed out for supper. It was a late night but Bee loved it because her aunt and uncle were sharing the suite with us. The next day it rained all day so our beach plans were cancelled, we helped pack instead. But, thankfully, at the end of the day it cleared enough for us to get down to the beach. We spent some time collecting rocks, building a sand castle and putting our feet in the water. Took a late night swim in the heated pool and then warmed up in the Jacuzzi tub. It as the perfect way to end the day. Even though we spent a good chunk moving and loading the truck, it was still so nice to sneak in some precious family moments.
I needed some time to cool down after the whirlwind week. The thing I found though, my anxiety wasn't too horrible after the trips. Normally I get so overwhelmed I'm just off for days but I found it was only really one day where I was just not having it. It didn't last as long as before, maybe spontaneity was the key. Maybe because I didn't give myself time to be all worked up before we left, it helped in the end. It was such an amazing week. We can't afford to do much as a family or go anyplace right now but sometimes being close to home and taking a day or two vacation is just what we need. Of course now we want more!
Life was good, we were going up, then it all came crashing down as life does. It got ugly. It started off with a cold, Bee and I got a cold, nothing we couldn't handle. We just felt yucky so we chilled, didn't do much and tried to get better. Colds we can handle pretty well. My anxiety has learned how to handle mild colds. But then one day Bee started throwing up. Not like her at all, I knew something else had to be going on. She threw up for 7 hours straight. I ended up taking her to the ER because she couldn't stop and we could not get any fluids into her at all.
Hospitals always cause me anxiety. I've had a lot of traumatic experiences at hospitals so I'm always on edge. We arrived and saw quite a wait but thankfully the profuse vomiting and lethargic look bumped us ahead of everyone else and they took her right away. They gave her this magical medicine that made her stop vomiting. We had a few hours wait to see the doctor and they couldn't have put us in a worse room. About 3 hours into our 4 hour wait, they brought in a lady who was having a heart attack. We could hear everything. EVERYTHING. All the beeps, all the vital signs, all the doctors lingo, everything brought me right back to Jacob. It was like I was back in the NICU when he first stopped breathing and they were bagging him. The scary beeps, the ones that say, all shit is breaking loose. All of it. The doctors calling for this and that and it was really like standing in the room with Jacob. but then, the lady died. They could not get her heart to start again and the killer, the silence of death is deafening. You could hear air hit the floor it's that deafening. Noise, noise, noise then nothing. Absolute silence. Silence that makes you want to scream and cry but you can't. It was like then being in the room after Ty was born. It was like I was standing beside myself watching him be born into silence. Or the silence after Jacob was taken off life support and we were left to hold him as he died. Death has a deafening silence.
Then there was the brigade of family members coming in just losing it, which is totally expected but it was like I was reliving Ty and Jacobs deaths all over again. I have never gone this far back. I have never remembered so vividly about their deaths until I was sitting in the ER, holding Bee balling my eyes out. For this lady, for her family, for Ty and Jacob, it's good the doctor didn't come in until an hour later. I needed that time to pull my self together. It was probably the most traumatizing, triggering experience I have had since the boys died.
I'm overwhelmed at the moment, so much anxiety and it's intense. It's really bad right now. Between being tired, Bee sick, the ER fiasco, not having Stephen here, him having to manage our nephews himself (we were taking care of our 4 nephews this weekend), my system is just shutting down. I'm so anxious and worrying about everything. It's had too much and it's done. In theory, I will keep going, I mean I have to, sometimes I have high functioning anxiety. I feel like I have to do do do, even as tired as I am. I have to keep busy to distract my mind. I try to think of better times, I try to think of those feelings at the water park but they are so far gone. I know I banked them and the hope is to one day connect more when I have a full bank of good emotions but it's hard. It's hard when everything else takes over. The last few weeks are just an example of how life is. All the while I keep thinking, we should't have been able to do this because I was suppose to be pregnant. I also fear, taking care of 4 boys may change my husbands mind about more kids. Speaking of which, I didn't even mention....we have our fertility clinic appointment. That event will need its own post. Life can go crazy, it can be crazy good but it can also go to hell.