Two days, two days and it will have been 5 years since we met and said goodbye to Jacob. 5 years, seems like a lifetime ago. How can it already have been 5 years? This year feels different though. It kind of snuck up on me, how is it already September? Life has been crazy this year. I've really pushed myself to do some uncomfortable things and have been doing emdr for months now, maybe those changes are actually working. Maybe it's because I really have no concept of day or time right now, life has been so chaotic (in a good way) that dates and days haven't mattered much. I've been living life and there is no calendar for that.
I've really pushed myself into some horribly uncomfortable places the last few weeks (because you know moving, terrorist take down, going through the boys clothes etc wasn't enough) I decided to venture into uncharted areas. I have a tendency to push when I'm already pushed. I have tackled some things I haven't done post-trauma. Meaningless things to most but very hard and challenging for me do to. I drove on the highway by myself. I crossed the border by myself (though I did have to stop and get out of the car to compose myself half way through the drive because I felt so lightheaded and naseous) but I did it. I did it and I know I can do it again. I drove on the highway again and the second time it was okay. Challenging but I did it. Big hurdles I have been putting off. Big steps for me to take and to recognize that I did it. I still have no emotional connection to the events but as I know, my emotional connection to things is a delayed response. It can take days, weeks or months to feel an emotion to a certain event. Normal part of ptsd for some. I'm actually, wait for it, slightly excited about my next venture to the US by myself. Yup, excitement, a very small tinge was felt.
I felt something more than anxiety, I felt it the other night too sitting on the deck swing in the dark listening to the tress rustle. That moment made me think of Halloween and the Fall and I got excited. Given it was only for a few seconds but my god it was there, real and pure.
Bee slept in her own room this week. another challenging yet big step. Sure, she ends up back in my bed every night so far but we start in her bed (the first week I went in with her to her bed but that led to no sleep for me so not working that route anymore) I have become so exhausted I needed to figure out this sleep thing and though it may be a few weeks of exhaustion, I know we will get there. Steps for her too. I feel safe...ish. I make sure she feels safe...ish. Milo sleeps with her, he protects her. Even when she ends up back with me, I still feel it's a small accomplishment and no need to push it. She will stay in there when she is ready to and in the meantime, I get a few hours uninterrupted (until we get the monitor working again) I did take a few extra precautions in getting her into her own room, safety measures I needed to make sure I could sleep at night, most wouldn't but I did and it helps me.
Bee got stung, twice. I freaked he first time, rushed her inside, slapped the ice pack on and got the benadryl and phone, ready to call 911 if I needed too. She was fine, other than the screaming of pain and asking for multiple treats (she knows how to play me) she was fine. Even the second time, the screaming was less and she was okay. I knew this moment had to happen, I knew she needed to be stung to find out if she was allergic to bees and I'm thankful it happened at home where I was prepared. Another step.
We have been living life, organizing the house, painting it, making it our home, picking out new fabrics, printing my own shirts, sewing pants, playing in the pool, going to parks, signing Bee up for dance and a bunch of other activities. Life is happening and I'm hanging on for the ride. I still have anxiety, mostly about feeling anxious, it's still there and always will be, but not as severe as it has been in the past. This space, the space I can make my own, it helps, it soothes me. My swing I sit on almost every night and look at the stars (now that we can see them in small town living) it helps. It connects me to me.
Perhaps all the business of life has lessened the blow of what is coming. Hell, I havent even advertised the boys fundraising event this year. The day has come sooner than I thought but emdr has helped soften the blow, or at least I'm starting to see that. September is usually hard for me, through December. I usually feel horrible (hence the reasons I have the meds and will take them as soon as I feel I need them) but it hasn't hit yet. Maybe it will hit next week, maybe in a week or two or a month but maybe it also won't hit or it won't hit as hard as it has in the past. All I know is 2 days from now will be 5 years and to me that feels okay. It feels like it finally has a place. I may wake up a sobering mess, but I may not. I will most likely shed a few tears, watch his video and look at pictures of him, my sweet Jacob, but perhaps on that day, I will also celebrate life and living the life where we are now. Maybe I will finally feel like their deaths don't run my life, or maybe only for a day or two.
I know for a fact we have a family event on the 5th that I am looking forward to and it doesn't bother me that it is on Jacob's birthday. His birth and death have their place but I'm starting to feel like living life does as well. We will celebrate and honor him and Ty through the fundraiser life we do every year but this year I'm hoping to live instead of mope for 4 months. I want to reconnect with the Fall, I want to experience life as we are living it now (without the bee stings perhaps)
Through it all, my mind is recognizing good times, the feelings and emotions are not there, the brain has not made the connection to my heart, but my body recognizes that something is funny or worth a smile. In time I hope the positive feelings return and I am hopeful as I've had many more small moments lately, but in the meantime I also know not to judge myself. It's a slow process trying to work through all this crap, but at least I am moving forward. I am taking steps, I am pushing myself (signed up for 4 craft event this Fall, 4!!!!! The social anxious person in me is crying but she'll be okay) but I push, I live on because life will happen and I want to be present for it.