The ugly side of ptsd, anxiety and grief has surely reared it's nasty side the last few months. There has been a lot going on, a lot I have not mentioned but feel comfortable mentioning now because at the end of it all, I've seen it destroy me but I've also seen the light.
Back in July is when it began. Stephen left us and it was a huge change for all. We went from being together every single day (only apart maybe 4 days total) to being gone for 2-3 weeks. I should mention, he left for work, of which he is now back home. But, as much as I held strong, I also crumbled. He is my rock, when I am overwhelmed he lets me unload and takes over things that I can't handle. With him not here I had to do it all. I did learn that I am far more capable of what I could have imagined but it was exhausting, it was emotional and through it all I just wanted him here. I managed to take care of the homestead while he took care of his career. We both knew it had to be done, we both knew he had to go so he could make a name for himself in his company (and boy did he ever do that). But it didn't make things easy and as much as I smiled and said I was okay, I was barely surviving on the inside. It was the reason we had to put Bee into daycare. I could simply not have to take care of her and everything else by myself. I became overwhelmed and started to shut down so I caved and Bee went into daycare.
Bee being in daycare has allowed her to grow along with some growth in me as well. It was a day I never thought would come but it did. Given, along with it has come a new illness every single week, which can become quite exhausting as well. We again managed what we were given and made it work.
I filed my first lawsuit, which in itself is horribly anxiety causing and not easy but to know that I gave one of my biggest issues over to someone else was at the same time relieving and scary. In doing so, we reached a half decision in my favour and are still awaiting to hear the other half but, half was in my favour and it made a huge impact in our lives.
The boys celebrated their 3rd and 4th birthdays in Heaven and we attempted to raise money to donate in their memory. It was a huge fail, well I won't say fail, we didn't even reach 1/4 of our goal but, we did raise enough to sponsor a fawn. There is a local wildlife rehab center by us and through the money raised, we sponsored a deer in memory of Ty and Jacob. Next time they rescue a deer and get set for release, we will be invited to attend (and of course will take pictures). It makes me happy to know that Ty and Jacob will continue to make a difference though they are not here.
I became depressed. October was an incredibly hard month. Bee started to show that she was being affected by Stephen being gone, she started acting out and having trouble. Daycare naps became non existent and naps and bedtime routines at home had to change because she could not adapt. We are slowly working on changing things now that Stephen is home and are hopeful she will settle back down now that we are all back together. I also struggled, I felt so out of it, so depressed, so alone and just wanted Stephen home. I began to suffer, I began to lose sleep, lose my appetite and general motivation to get up.
I then fell sick with the flu and being home alone with Bee and so sick caused some significant panic attacks. I ended up in the ER 3 times before I was able to get everything under control (flu + asthma is not a good thing) I almost passed out many times, I couldn't breathe, I was sick to my stomach, not only did the flu affect me but so did the panic attacks. In fact, October has been filled with panic attacks. I'm at the point of considering medication because they are getting out of hand. But, until my other health problems are ruled out, I can't do anything else...yet. I have been so sick. I can't eat, I am losing weight, I feel so faint and weak. Fluids are no problem thankfully, but it's so hard to eat. I constantly feel sick to my stomach and my doctor and I are trying to rule out anything physical (could very well be anxiety, but we need to rule out other issues as I've been known to have gerd in the past). Once I get my physical health under control, I am hopeful that my mental will shortly follow.
Speaking of mental health, I was finally able to get in to my ptsd program pre-admit appointment. I should be starting the monthly classes soon and because I have such a unique trauma, they are going to try to work around the typical schedule to fit my needs better. I have to say, leaving the appointment I was pretty excited. Yes, I am excited to be in a program to deal with my mental health because I know I need it and this program sounds wonderful. Maybe, just maybe I will be able to open my eyes and see the light again. It's my last ditch effort before I go on meds. I have to make it work and I'm looking forward to going through the 2 year program and getting my life back. I deserve it and so does Stephen and Bee.
Just as I was recovering from the flu, which knocked me out cold for two weeks, Bee woke up one night vomiting. For those who don't know, I don't deal well with vomit. I am one of those people who if I hear, smell or see it gets very nauseous and may vomit myself. You know how I know Bee woke up vomiting? I woke up to warm smelly splatter on my hand, take about almost vomiting myself! Stephen was actually home for the night but I dealt with it. I took a gravol to help ease my stomach and dealt with it. I had feared that day for so long knowing it was only time and there it was. I was still largely grossed out and gagging a lot but I made it through. Thankfully, she only vomited for two hours straight and seemed to be okay the rest of the day. You know, until the stomach flu hits because I know that's coming!
Death has also surrounded my life as of late. Death is a part of everyday life but really close, dear friends have lost significant loved ones in their lives and it breaks my heart. A fellow baby loss mama I met shortly after Jacob died, had a beautiful rainbow last year. Life was finally starting to turn around for them as well and this weekend her husband tragically died in a car accident. Every inch of my being wants to get in my car and drive to North Carolina to be with her. there are no words and I cannot fathom what she is going through, nor do I want to. I would be lost, a disaster without Stephen, even having Bee, I'd be gone. My heart just simply breaks for her. Other close friends have lost their mother, some are making huge changes in their life in other ways of loss. So much loss, I deleted so many things off Facebook to help back off the daily loss but it seems I cant escape it and it terrifies me.
For the first time I am scared. I am scared by life, I am scared by death. Perhaps it is because I don't know what I believe anymore. I've lost my way with God and I don't know what path I'm going to take. I do know I need to do some soul searching and find a path, I need it and whether or not it leads me back to God, only time will tell but to not know, it's scary. Though I can't help but remember when our plane almost crashed on takeoff from Cancun, I was at the same time so scared but felt such immense peace. Maybe I do believe where ever we go after this life that I will be reunited with the boys. If anything, all of this tragedy has made me realize I want to enjoy life. I may die tomorrow, I may die in 80 years but what I want, what I truly want is to know that no matter when it happens that I am happy with the life I lived. I want to feel fulfilled and at peace. I have a lot of work to do to get there, but I want it. I crave it.
In all of it, the struggles, the depression, the many doctors appointments and er visits, we made it. We made it through. I now know I am capable, I now have a clearer sense of what direction I want to go in and in the upcoming months, tests will rule out medical conditions, I can get everything under control and really start to get my life back. It was robbed from me 4 years ago but I feel it's time. I will finish my book, it will do well because I am determined to make it do well. We are getting our feet on the ground and yes we know it will take time but a house of our own will happen one day. We will get healthy as a family and start our life together. We will make new Christmas traditions and enjoy our time together. The long cold winter ahead will only allow us to grow and bond as a family. So many special things planned and I look forward to it but it wont be like the rest of the year, this time I want to be present. Not just physically but mentally as well.