Writing doesn't always come easy. I haven't worked on my book for over 6 months. I sometimes can't even find the time to write up a quick blog post. I guess you could say that it's a part of my healing? I don't necessarily have the answer. Life is progressing along. The ptsd program is just as wonderful as it was when I started 9 months (or so) ago. I feel the progression, I dont always notice it but others have pointed it out lately. My mom brought up some clothes I had ordered and told me she was surprised that I picked those out because they were "feminine" and not me. It bothered me because I feel they are me, but it's a new me and it's one people don't always recognize. It's a me some may not want to recognize and personally, it scares me sometimes because I feel I may lose people I care about (given if they are truly supportive of me, they will go along with whomever I choose to be) but the truth is, I will never be the "me" people remember. It's not possible.
Life is just ho hum at the moment. There are things I am really struggling with, things that make me cry almost everyday. The thoughts cause me to hurt and become afraid at the same time that they make me feel relieved. There are things in my life that I do not know which way they will go, how they will end up and thats not easy for me to deal with.
There is also Bee, the girl is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Parenting her has changed me, she continues to challenge me and make me grow in my parenting expertise. But the love I feel for her, oh wow, it is the strongest, most powerful, raw, emotional, magical love I've ever experienced. Her sweet little random, mom, I love you's, the kisses, the hugs, the playing tea party with, she is my reason to keep going. I live for her. At the same time, she is teaching me about the person I am becoming, beyond just her mom. I want her to be resilient to life, we all know how shitty it can be, I want her to always hold her head high and take everything on as it comes and be a good role model for her. Shes teaching me how to do that in my own life. Its amazing how connected I feel to her, she really is a mini-me. I may be biased, but she really is the coolest, most loving and kind, crazy little girl I've ever known and I am so blessed to be able to call her my daughter. Sometimes saying that still feels funny. She's MY daughter. I mean how did I get so lucky?
Then there is good old life. It's always throwing things my way. Last minute trips planned, schedules changed which causes stress and anxiety but dealing with it because thats life. Phone calls or emails with not the best news. Things going wrong or not being happy with things in life and trying to figure out how to make oneself happy. Life is life and it goes on, it goes on without the two little boys I dreamed about and carried for 9 months. There will always be a hole in my heart, it will never be filled because it is buried with them. But I have the best reason to live and she calls me mommy.
So I don't know why I can't write. I don't know why I can sit down and only come up with a few vague paragraphs about what is going on and where I am at because I feel I'm in limbo. The ptsd group/counseling has been a lifesaver but I'm at that point where it's really starting to work and I'm about to dive into emdr and I know that will bring great change. Maybe I can't find words, maybe I'm just so tired. Maybe I just know its pointless to write blogs like this because I dont feel they are really helping people and thats the main focus of this blog, how to parent after loss is it's new direction and I'm still figuring that out. Maybe its because we spend almost every Sunday at the cemetery having a picnic breakfast with Ty and Jacob because its become our thing and that is enough to fill my emotional need for the week. Writing for me us to be an out, there were so many things running around in my mind and now, now they are finding their place (except before bed, they always come out then and have a party together). I have more clarity, I have more focus, given I still feel like I'm running around with my head cut off.
I dont know why I can't write. I dont know why the words dont come as easily as they use to. I dont know if they ever will return to that point. I do know I try to spend every moment with Bee that I can, it's just her and I for the most part and I want to cherish those moments her and I are creating. I loved our little lunch date today. I love our Sunday morning picnics with her brother and her little conversations and kisses to them. I can watch her now and not break down in tears. I love waking up to her little sweet voice (though turning on the light at 6am I'm not a huge fan of) all of it, life, it's happening and I'm just going along with it with Bee by myside. I may never find the emotion to write again, or perhaps that that time of year coming, maybe I will. I do know I want the boys fundraiser this year to be a great success. I've already picked out the organization and it means an amazing amount to me. Bee and I would be lost without them and my focus is on that right now. Writing the story behind why we chose it is hard enough, leaves me little time for any other, see I cant even finish sentences.
My writing bug has gone so much so that I have seriously contemplated closing down one of my other blogs because I just cant write. This blog though, this is my heart and soul. This will always be here for those who need it, I will never leave this blog because I remember how it felt to feel so alone navigating the world after loss, hell, after my second full term loss, I swore I was the only one. I even felt alienated from certain baby loss groups. I was the person they didnt want to become and it hurt so I stay and I always will stay here. It may be that my blogs are sparse and completely pointless when I do post, but maybe there will be some gems left. I dont know, I dont have an answer and thats it. So here is to finding my writing bug and getting back on track, maybe if any of my readers had topics they'd like to me address, maybe that would help and I could focus on those, but this having to come up with my own, its going to be ptsd group, bee, food (because I LOVE food) and other random non-essential parenting after loss topics. Cats, I have cats too, I'm sure you could all care less about reading posts related to Milos allergies and asthma. Feel free to send topics you'd like me to write about, I cant promise I will be able to write about them, but I will do my best for you.