The sun was shining, the autumn air was nipping. My hands were at 10 and 2. My breathing was suttle, my heart beating at a normal rate. Every kilometer that passed increased my heart rate. My hands started to shake, my mind started to wander. I started to gasp for air. I felt faint. The closer I got the more intense the panic and fear of the unknown became. I second guessed continuing to drive to my destination.
I knew I had to continue. I wish I had asked my mom to come with me. To drive me and just be there. I was going to an unknown, I was about to face something I knew was coming but felt so utterly unprepared for. Why did I not prepare more, where were my ginger drops and my fidget rock? Why did I not see my counselor before this week? What was I thinking? I drove, I parked. I paid for my ticket and j-walked across the street. Into the doors I went. The reality hit, this was really happening. I did everything I could to try and avoid this moment but I was not successful (and that's okay sometimes).
I handed over my bag to be inspected and walked through the metal detector. A guard waved a wand over me and I was handed back my bag. I was lost. No clear signs. I did not know where to go and no one was there to guide me. I followed what I that the way was and it lead me to a room full of.....rough looking people. I sat because I knew no better. People were called and I sat. I sat because I was terrified. The moment of this being my first time sitting in a court house overcame me. I just sat, I sat and hoped my lawyer would find me. I had a feeling I was not in the right place. More rough looking people came in along with the more guards. At least the eye candy was delightful, well until...... I walked and looked at a list of names, drug charges, domestic violence, murder. I was in the criminal law area. Clearly not the right area. My lawyer appeared at just the right time and we found our way to the family law area. Phew, my gut was right. Eye candy, not as much anymore.
We made our way to the court room, I was shaking the whole way. It was hard to describe how I felt. Sad, sad for sure that I was at this point in my life. Anxious, anxious because I've never walked this road and didn't know what to expect. We sat down, the judge walked in, there was a few words exchanged and we were done for today. 5 minutes. 5 minutes, that was it. All the worry, all the fear about the whole court experience and it was done in 5 minutes. 5 fuckign minutes!!!! The first 3 hours of my day, I felt like my face was full of road. A road unknown, a road I have not traveled, a road I will face again and again. I will face it over and over and learn as I go. Its an opportunity to grow. A lot of lessons to learn and speaking of lessons.....
Lesson learned: The court house needs more clear signs or people directing people where to go. As much as I enjoyed watching the "rough" people and their interactions, which trust me, were interesting, I was glad to find the correct place. Also, looks can be deciving.
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