Today is October 26th, another pivotal day in my life. A day in which another new journey begins. A day in which there is heartbreak and sadness but also a breath of new life. Today is my last day in this house. I have lived here a little over 2 years but it has never felt like a home to me.
When we purchased this house, I did not like it. I just didn't feel this was my forever home and perhaps it was my subconscious realizing the relationship with this house would not last, just like the relationship with me ex. I never felt comfortable, I did not want to purchase it but as I look back I can't help but wander if it wasn't the house afterall. Maybe it was something more, maybe it was something deeper.
Not many memories have been made in this house, I've struggled more in this house than any house I've lived in. There has been many challenges over the last year but I've held on, focusing on each day knowing that one day, the bigger picture would start to play out.
When I think of a house, I think of it as just that. A house, it has a roof and some walls. What makes a house a home are the people inside and I truly believe that. So in a sense, with Bee in this house, it did feel like home at times. But I always felt it would not be our forever home. I knew her and I were destined for great things, I just didn't expect to end up as a single parent. This house will remain partly her house, I will encourage her to build great memories here, as I will also encourage her to make memories at our new home. Each place will hold a special place in her heart. This house to her will mean different things that it has meant to me, that's okay. I hold nothing against that fact, for me it was just that I knew I wouldn't be in this house forever I just didn't know when i would happen or how it would look.
I'm typing instead of packing because it seems surreal. Its been one long year of trying to move out and not being able to and having lived in a limbo state, it has dulled the realness of it all. I know it will hit, I know it will be hard adjusting to not always having Bee with me. I've only ever been away from her for one day of her life (not always by choice) but it will take time for me to find my new normal. I have plans, as I've blogged about in the past, and I intend on seeing some of them through. I know not all will happen and I'm okay with that but I can tell you one thing, there is no doubt that fostering kittens and special needs cats won't be one of those things I may not see through. I am 100% on board with that, it's a dream I have always had and one I will see through. I may wait until Grumpy Gramps has made it over the rainbow bridge, but one day, maybe in the near future, I will take that step and sign up to foster cats. I will be honest, I see foster fails in my future, which means I'll fall so in love I'll adopt the foster cat myself.
This house I sit in, my last night, it never provided me with opportunities or helped support me through the dreams I've had. I was hindered and maybe that was the deep part inside of me that knew I would not be in this house long. Sometimes you can't hold someone back when they have a fire lit under them. A fire to do good in this world. A fire to help those in need, to help those less fortunate, to help those grieving, to help women find their strengths and support them through difficult times. All my life experiences have led to this moment, it wont be immediate and I know that, small steps remember, but little by little things will happen. The bigger picture will start to form and take a new shape as this new journey will have components I did not expect before.
Leaving this house is not hard for me, like I said, it's just a house. What is hard is having to leave Bee. She makes the walls and roof a home. She is my home, she is my heart. It will be hard but I think of all the great things her and I will still get to do together, it's not like I pictured a few years ago but pictures can fade or blur, maybe melt away to nothing so new ones can be painted. Our definition of home is changing, but as long as we are together, we will make it. We will make do with what we have and strive to be the best women we can.
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