It's okay to have shitty days. It's okay to struggle. No one is perfect, we all have emotions and they sometimes get the better of us. This new journey I am on has taken me to emotional places that have to this day, have been unchartered waters. I have not tread for my life through these waters and I'm learning that it's okay.
It's okay to admit that the first weekend without Bee was horrible. I cried, I cried a lot at night. I couldn't sleep for days. It didn't feel right, something was off and I could not go to bed. I just kept walking around. It was okay. It was okay to feel those emotions and do what I had to do. It continues to be okay to feel those emotions and do what I have to do. The dread begins Monday of week 1. It sits and lingers and takes a hold of my life. I know in time, it will become the new regular in our life, but it's hard to get there sometimes. It's hard to accept change. There's always pushback, there's always upset, it's inevitable. But it's okay to admit you are struggling, it's okay to admit how shitty somethings are. Hiding it does you no good.
It's not easy to admit, I still struggle with that. To admit I had a hard time the first weekend Bee was away, I feel shamed for saying that. Like I should be tough and resilient to the fact that this situation is happening, I should suck it up, know it will get better, find something you enjoy and do it during that time. Trust me, I'm master at distractions but that does not and will never take the emotions away. We can't try to fill the void and this is an area society has failed us in. Pieces of me are missing and if I listened to society, I'd try to fill and replace those pieces but you cannot, you will never be whole, whole means perfect and no one is perfect.
Everyone has missing pieces and no one can ever be whole. It was my light bulb moment recently. It was my ah-ha. I've accepted that there are pieces of me missing and guess what.....IT'S OKAY!!! It's totally normal. Don't go out and try to fill it with things that drag you down more, don't go out and try to fix it because it can't be fixed. We as humans can never excel to the level of perfection that "whole" demands. We can't, we just can't. Some people may think they can but that just proves how incomplete they really are.
I will never be complete and I will never be whole. There may come a time in life when I feel pretty good, I'm working very hard towards it but I can't describe how much of a load has come off once I accepted knowing, I'll never be whole. I will always have missing pieces. That acceptance has given me a whole new look on life. It has helped me re-focus my intentions, it has helped me set new goals and visions. I've always said no one can make you happy, they can't, people can't choose your emotions for you, they are your bodies natural response to external and internal stimuli. You yourself can't even choose to be happy. It's not possible, just like filling those missing pieces isn't possible. You can do things to help you feel happy, be around people you enjoy, eat food you like, participate in hobbies and activities that you love but you can't choose the emotions your body feels and the same applies for those missing pieces. You can't fill those missing pieces, you may exhaust yourself trying. You may harm yourself trying.
Look at those missing pieces from the perspective that it's okay. It's okay to struggle, it's okay to feel sad and hurt, it's okay not to sugar coat everything. Don't be someone you aren't just to please others (I myself am guilty of that) be transparent. Lately, when most people ask how I'm doing I simply say, surviving. I am, I'm surviving this new battle I face. It's not easy, it was not chosen, even if it was, that does not mean I need to shield myself from anything that comes from it. It does not mean that it isn't okay.
I've always been one to look for the positives in every negative situation. Here's a little secret, it can take YEARS to find them. You can search for years and go through so much shit before you see them. It's not always easy and I feel like sometimes I don't get that point across enough. I don't know if I convey my life as the struggle that it can be. Two dead children, abuse and now a divorce, it hasn't been all lollipops and gumdrops. There have been some hard, dark days. Yes I always come out and I turn the sour into sweet, I'm really good at that, but it takes time and that's okay. It takes time, I struggle like every other human being, it's what we all do and sometimes I feel we don't share our struggles enough. We're told to keep quiet and that's not okay. It isolates and that's not what we need to help us soften our missing pieces. We need to band together. We need to stand side by side and scream out "I'm having a shitty day and that's okay", fuck it could be a shitty week, month or even year. It doesn't mean all of it has been bad. It doesn't mean we aren't capable of life, it just means we have hard days and we struggle and that it truly is okay.
We all have missing pieces, we can never fill those missing pieces. Accept that. It changes so many things for your outlook on life. Once you accept it, you stop trying to fill something that can't be filled and lets you live. It lets you love. It gives you life. It gives you breath. It frees you, the load it takes off is tremendous. Society has and continues to fail us in so many ways and I will always speak out to the truth of life. It's okay to feel, it's okay to be, it's okay to struggle, it's okay to talk about it, to admit it. It's okay to have shitty days, weeks, months, years. Keep going, look for those positives, they are there as hard as they may be to see and know it's all okay. You are normal for everything you feel. Be you, if people can't accept where you are and sit with you, that's on them.
Even I have hard days, I may not voice it fully on here, but I have them too. Not always having Bee with me is one of the hardest things I've ever been through and I know that it's okay and I know that it will be okay. We'll get there. We can all get there together. Accept help, seek help, ask for help, don't do it alone. It's okay. Let those missing pieces just be pieces of sadness for you. Let them sit with you. They won't always feel as heavy, they will soften but it's okay for then to always remain missing. It makes you human. It is okay.
All Of My Children
Connect With Me
This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:
Current Number Of Columns are = 2
Expand Posts Area =
Gap/Space Between Posts = 10px
Blog Post Style = card
Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1
Blog Post Card Background Color = current color
Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color
Blog Post Card Border Color = current color
Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results