October 15th has come and gone and yet there was no post about it. One of the saddest days in my life and no post to reflect on why that day holds so much meaning for me. The day in which I talk about Ty and Jacob and baby unknown. A day of loss, a day of sadness, a day of reflection and remembrance. A day in which I have powerful, resilient words to share with everyone and give them hope, but not this year.
This year I had no words. This year I struggled to sit and write. I'm still struggling trying to find the right words but maybe this year, that's what is needed, no words. No big long post about how traumatic it is to bury children, about how to live on after losing life, no sugar coating, no truth, no real raw honesty, just no words.
Perhaps its because on that very day, I had the tremendous blessing of wearing head to toe scrubs (bottom half seen above) and sit by one of my dear friends, a strong and beautiful women, as I helped her welcome her strong and beautiful baby girl into the world. My day was filled with life. I was surrounded by joy and wonder. To sit on the other side and watch birth is incredible. Words can't even describe how much of a gift that was for me. To be chosen as the one to be by her side, help her through her birth and welcome her little lady earth side. I didn't have a moment to think or to reflect and I was okay with that. To be back in the OR, yeah that morning when I woke up I thought shit, what did I get myself into, but it was okay. Nothing about that day brought back traumatic memories, nothing sidelined me. I was fully present in the moment with my friend and in awe of what I was watching. To see birth, to watch the obs work to cut away and get to baby, to see them peel back layer by layer of whatever they do and to see them pull out this miracle, this very wanted and very loved little girl, to see life born from the side, maybe I don't have words this year because I was given this gift. I was given the gift of new life and that sometimes leaves us speechless.
It's not that I wasn't aware of what day it was, I did make a post on my personal page about Ty, Jacob and baby unknown, 8, 7, and 1 year. I remember, it's not like I would ever forget. It's just this year, there was so much more to celebrate on that day that the words did not come. They still can't come. I'm transitioning into the next phase of life, we move Saturday. It took a long 3 months to be allowed to move, but through it, we held strong, we kept focused, we enjoyed what we could and celebrated little things along the way. My words have been silenced but i keep on living. My body and mind are resting, they are preparing for the next step in life, it will have its challenges too but I hope it gives me a new voice, not just for me but for all women. Be still in the silence for now, for when I awake, I will move mountains!
All Of My Children
Connect With Me
This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:
Current Number Of Columns are = 2
Expand Posts Area =
Gap/Space Between Posts = 10px
Blog Post Style = card
Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1
Blog Post Card Background Color = current color
Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color
Blog Post Card Border Color = current color
Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results