"The first time is the worst.' How many times have we all heard that line? It's usually uttered when you are about to embark on a new journey, take a step, face a fear, perform some kind of action that you have never experienced before. We've been told time and time again that the first time is always the worst but I have to disagree.
When you are about to do or experience something new, you don't always know what to expect. Even in the most prepared situations, there is the unknown because you haven't done it before. No matter how many times you watch a Youtube video, speak to others or read about it, there will be a space of unawareness. You may feel a lot of anxiety about new situations and what they may bring. You may feel stressed, energetic, excited, thrilled, you may have a wide range of emotions because your body has not yet processed the emotions to go with the new event. It won't until after it happens.
The second time, the worst in my opinion, you now know. You have experienced it first hand and your body has processed the appropriate emotions to go with the experience. You know how amazing or shitty something will be because you've now registered it. You have been through the process and know what to expect. Sometimes that means hard situations prove to be more difficult the second time around. More emotion can go into the experience because you've been there. You know the sadness that comes with it.
This is my second weekend without Bee. The first was hard, but it was the first. I didn't know what to expect. I knew I wasn't looking forward to it but I didn't know the depth of that feeling. I didn't know the depth of my sadness, of my unsettledness, of my wandering mind. I didn't know how lonely it may feel, even when surrounded by others. I didn't know the magnitude of something so seemingly regular to a lot of people. We all process events in our lives differently and that's how it's supposed to be. We all react to events in our lives differently. A situation in which a lot of people go through, no amount of reading, watching videos or talking to others could have prepared me for the emotions I felt. I knew the base of them, I understood that but not the depth.
The second time around, I now know. The dread started early this week. This weekend it's not as easy as the first was. This week is by far harder because I've walked this journey two weeks ago. The emotions came, they flooded me after the fact once my body had processed what was happening. I didn't like it. I didn't like it. I knew then what it would feel like the second time. Worse. I knew the sadness and even more so, the unsettled feeling would come back.
Look for the positives that's what I always say. But recently I have also accepted that it's okay to sit with some shit for a bit. You have to. You can't force your emotions down. You can't keep pretending. It's too exhausting. You have to sit with the sadeness, the anger, the frustration, whatever it is you are feeling, sit with it. You may find you feel a lot better after allowing yourself to sit with it. It allows you to clear your mind and body. It allows you to acknowledge the very normal emotions you are having and that is a step towards healing. To be in yourself, to be you when need be. To be gentle on yourself, we all need more of that.
This weekend I am sitting in whatever I feel. I'm still motoring along, doing things here and there but also allowing myself to just be in the moment, really present in each moment to acknowledge my tired, battered, wore out body. I now know. It is not easy. Maybe in time, like grief, the emotions will settle and not be so prevalent.
Plan things for you. I'm trying, I'm honestly trying. I have already signed up and taken some courses to further my career. I booked a massage. I'm contemplating where to go and what to do. What are my new hopes and dreams and how will I see them through. How can I follow my passions. Will I ever publish my book. When can I sign up to foster kittens and special need cats. Can I eat tacos all weekend. I really should start reading again or maybe sit and watch more of The Fosters. I do things for me, but it's hard. It's hard when my whole other half is not here.
I was unaware two weeks ago of how that would look or what it would feel like. I had a guess it wouldn't feel great and it really didn't. I'm having to adjust to a whole new life I never imagined (reminiscent of 8 and 7 years ago....) figuring out with each new experience where my emotions will be and where they will go. It's a part of this journey we call life. Grief or no grief, loss or no loss, abuse or no abuse, divorce or no divorce, we are all on the journey of life. Figuring out step by step how to deal with the unknown and where to place our emotions and reactions once we are faced with new experiences. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes time.
The second time is truly the worst (or best depending on what the situation may be) but maybe the third time will be a bit easier, or the fourth, or fifth or one hundredth. All I know is in this moment, for this experience, it is much worse this weekend than the first. I just hope it goes by as quickly as the first did. Or it may drag on, whatever happens, I will sit with it and allow myself that.
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