Adjusting to being on medication has been horrible. The thing about me is that I am super sensitive to medication so even the lowest possible dose affects me. I started out on the lowest possible dose and for the first week it was manageable. I still had side effects but I could tolerate them. Since it had been going okay and my doctor figured the side effects would subside with time, she increased my dose and doubled it. My body did not like this and I had some severe reactions. It has not been fun, I went back to the doctors and she said we would switch medications but I'd have to wean off of this medication first. Since lowering the dose, the severe side effects have mostly subsided and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I am hopeful this new medication will work better for me but I do fear starting it next week and having more side effects. I have been so lucky and thankful to have my mom with me the last two weeks. It's been hell for me physically. I've lost so much weight, sleep has been horrible, eating has been non-existent. I feel nothing but panic, fear, scared and worried. I have suffered, my family has suffered but I know in time, I will be better.
I had my first PTSD trauma program appointment this week and I'm still hopeful that this is what I need. Of course my goal is to get off the medication but until I have some extensive counseling for my anxiety, I need that crutch right now. The program sounds amazing, albeit, hard work on my part and it will take about 2 years, but 2 years now will give me a life time of my life. I've met with my counselor, learned more about the program and will start at once a week with counseling and trying to get my anxiety under control.
I have never experienced anxiety and panic as bad as it has been the last few weeks. It's been scary to have these dark thoughts and feelings but it was nice to hear that its completely normal. It was nice to hear that this program addresses those and deals with them. It's nice to hear that this new medication may also help and as hard as it has been to stop nursing Bee, I'm sure she much rather have a sane mommy over milk.
Not to say I don't miss it, it was really hard for both of us. I had intended to continue for quite a few more months but I know my mental health is more important and we did make it 22 months. I thin the hard part for me is not knowing whether or not it would be the last time I nurse at all. It is also hard when Bee is sad and wants to be comforted by milk that I can't, we both have cried many times but we are adjusting. There are also moments where I am thankful to be done nursing. We are starting a new bedtime routine with Bee in her own bed (in our room of course) with her doll and some snuggles before bed with no nursing and once she gets use to it, that means other people can put her to bed! That means I can head out for the night for the first time since she was born.
There has been lots of adjustments around here lately, having my mom around really has been a blessing and it makes me realize how much I need to depend on other people when I struggle. It wasn't easy asking her to stay an extra week but I'm glad I did because there were some tough days. She goes home and that leaves me by myself (Bee's in school all week, just needed to make sure she was taken care of while I try out these new meds) and it is scary to think about, I've had someone by my side everyday for 2 weeks and to think I'll be on my own is a bit terrifying. I have plenty of projects to keep me busy and distracted and it will be another adjustment but I hope these new meds will kick in sooner since they are similar to the ones I was on and maybe Ill feel like myself again soon. If anything, I want these horrible panic attacks and all these deep dark anxious feelings to go away. I don't like feeling like this and it's affecting my life, I don't want it too, I need to heal.
I also plan on continuing acupuncture, which I hear helps with some of the med side effects, and maybe all of this combined will make me me again. Ever since Thanksgiving my life has been hell. I feel like I've lost control of my mind and its a very scary feeling. But I am thankful I recognized it and sought help. There is no shame in asking for help. I now have a plan and I look forward to the day I return.