Pre-trauma days I loved to read. I would always have my nose in a book (which is probably one reason I loved school so much despite the bullying, I loved learning and reading). I would read everything but was mostly fascinated with history and hockey. There are still remnants of the pre-trauma days in my current library, though the hockey has faded and the history books have remained untouched, but they still sit.
Post trauma I could not read. I didn't have the heart. It required way to much focus and a brain, which I was severely lacking. While I was pregnant with Jacob, after we received his diagnosis, I caught a reading bug but I only wanted to read books about loss (how exciting right?) I searched for books about babies dying, which surprise, there aren't many (hoping to add ours to the bunch as soon as I find an editor or publishing company to pick it up, know of one? Send them my way) But I did find a few and read them front to back many times. I couldn't get enough of them. To connect, to feel, to know I wasn't alone was what I craved. Shortly after Jacob was born my mind checked out again and my love of reading went with it. That was almost 6 years ago.
Despite the break in reading, I still slowly added books to my library. I guess my love of books was still there, even if I couldn't stand to read them at the time. After having gone through a year of counseling and starting emdr my love for reading started to emerge. I can remember the first time I picked up and read a book. Of course, most books I seem to pick out deal with some sort of child loss at some point, but thanks to my emdr it doesn't set me sideways and I can still enjoy a book regardless. I remember the excitement I once again felt at holding that book in my hands (only real books for me, no readers, love the feel and smell of a real book) I remember I spent many nights sitting in my chair, old kitty man on my lap just reading. I loved it, I had found that passion again. The first book was tough, but I still plunged through. It dealt with child loss and a lot of it, but I made it through. It was a really well written book, there was a story beside the child loss that made it a good read.
But after that book I had a lull. I just couldnt seem to bring myself to read again. Its like I almost feared it. I guess I was afraid I'd never find another book I enjoyed as much. I really did feel at one point another book would never compare. After a few months I forced myself to pick a book and boy was it good, I read and read for weeks and months. Since I started reading again, which was about last October, I've made it through 9 books. 8 of those 9 I recommend, the 9th was okay but not horribly gripping like the others. I found the story lacking and wanted to stop after the first few chapters but I did finish it and it did pick up in the end. 9 books in 4 1/2 months. My goal is to read one a month but I have a feeling I may make it past that very easily (assuming I get time, which come this September I will) but I love it.
My love of reading has returned and its as fierce as ever! My library is growing and I have a problem going into a book store and not buying a book (seriously, I can't do it) I always find something that sounds so interesting. The one I just finished (The Walnut Tree) was gifted to me by my husband this Christmas, he picked a good one. There is another one he bought as well that I'm looking forward to reading in addition to the approximately 20 I've bought over the last few months. Lots of books to read and I can't wait to escape to them all, it may cost me some sleep but to know that little piece of me has made it through the trauma and come out stronger, I'll hold onto that.
Hi my name is Jessica and I'm addicted to books (and plants, did I mention I love plants?)