Another box arrived. I forgot the day I found out I was pregnant, I was so elated I popped online and bought myself some new maternity clothes. They came today. Another slap in the face. I can't bare to keep any of them. I don't have much hope at the moment that I would ever need them again. How could I? Carrying healthy babies is not what my body does. Its a graveyard for my children, as gruesome and dark as that sounds, it's how I feel right now. It really does a lot mentally to a woman when her body can't do the one thing it s suppose to do well, reproduce.
I struggle with knowing who I am, where I fit into this world and each loss just adds to that struggle. It's hard to find a definition that fits, I thought I was getting somewhere recently but it's all been thrown in the air. So many pieces to a person and so many of mine are missing. I'm overwhelmed beyond belief. I've decided to take a break from the business because I just can't do it. I can't write, I can't process anything, my mind is so far from being in the now, I just survive everyday. I survive, I paint, I do crafts with Bee. I can't do anything else beyond that.
All these little reminders popping up, it's all happening so fast. I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant, excites, elated, happy, something to look forward to but in a matter of days it was all dashed away again. I don't even remember if I ordered anything else so it could possibly still happen. Box after box, an empty sad reminder of the now. Having to go to stores and taking everything back and finding the strength to figure out an answer to the dreaded "why are you returning these" question. I'll have to stick to my go to, they didn't fit. But what about the toys? Gah, I hate this. I hate all of this. I feel so hopeless at the moment. I need to do, I can't sit I need to do. Burn those damn boxes (once everything is out of them of course) and curse at whatever I feel like cursing at. The gods, the world, the injustice. Roast some marshmallows while I'm at it because we love making smores. If we only eat smores for a week, I'm okay with that. Now only if the boxes of dread could stop showing up.....