As I sit here on Christmas Eve, I can't help but notice my lack of joyful spirit this year. I think a large part is due to the fact that we don't have snow and in Canada, snow is a given in December. But today, I went out in just a sweatshirt because it was 14 and sunny. I almost turned the AC on. It's not how it's suppose to be. For someone who has ptsd and anxiety, it makes me very uncomfortable. It's not routine, it's not normal and that does not sit well with me. I attribute my lack of jollyness and pretty bad case of grinchness on said lack of mother natures fury this winter.
I tried, I really tried to get in the spirit. We decorated, but kept it to the bare minimum and by that I mean a tree, some pillows and a sign. Though, in all honesty, the 3 year old and 3 month kitten were my large deciding factors in not going all out for decorating, but part of me just wasn't with it. I've had Christmas music blaring, baking treats, doing our normal Christmas traditions but there is something missing. I know a large part of my heart will never be full, there will always be two little things missing, but there is more.
Sometimes I think it's just life in general. I was so excited last year, couldn't care this year, wonder what next holds. The thing is, life has really gotten in my way lately. Don't get me wrong, I've been super busy. Bee is home more with me now (and we are driving eachother off the wall) my business is going pretty well for being brand new, I am working on expanding my business for next year, I'm exhausted (ptsd+hypothyroid+being a mom, it's a miracle I get out of bed each day) I'm so exhausted that the guilt of not visiting the boys in over 2 months really isn't sitting heavily upon my heart.
It's true, 2 months, they still have their pumpkins up from Halloween, I didnt even get their Christmas trees out this year. Talk about mom-guilt. Yah, I'm that horrible but the things is, I've come to realize that life, this thing we have to live, this thing we get up and do everyday, it sometimes gets in the way and I am learning to be okay with that. Had it been any other year, I would have torn myself apart over the fact that I havent gone to see Ty and Jacob in 2 months. I would have torn myself apart for not putting their Christmas trees out but this year, its different. Life is happening and I just don't have it in me.
I find myself turning to the comforts of food to ease the little twinge of guilt I have. I find myself disconnecting from the reality of life, though Bee makes that pretty impossible most days. She keeps me grounded and in the now. Even parenting, I have a threenager and learning how to continue to help her build her strength as a woman but also having to live with her in the meantime is a daily challenge. Who am I kidding, it's an hourly challenge. But is is life and it is happening.
Sometimes I feel bad that I havent learned the delicate balance, the dance of grief and living. Sometimes I feel I dont do enough for Ty and Jacob, I see all these other people doing so many things for their angels and here I am just getting their stockings out (though not hung) and thats it. But it's life and I have to learn that this is me, this is where I am and yeah, this Christmas is shitty, or at least my mood is, let's just hope there is a next year and that it is better.