Anxiety can be a total mind fuck. Truly, it can mess with your mind. Day two post 60 day notice was vastly, 180 of the first day. I had a huge rush of adrenaline and felt ready to go go go, let's do this type situation. I became overly excited. My mind still unable to process much of anything and me spewing statements of inaccurate information because of the wandering/mind that has checked out due to shock. I felt ready, I felt jacked to go. My body and mind were trying to overcompensate and hide behind the veil of reality.
I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop laughing, I couldn't stop yawning from the 2 hours of sleep the night before (mind wandered way too much after such shocking news) I was literally a walking zombie of what I felt like was crazy. I felt crazy. I'm sure the severe lack of sleep had something to do with that.
Day 3 is proving to be even more mind fucked. Woke up with the giddy excitement of yesterday, have been keeping in touch with our realtor while making arrangements for the mortgage. Realtor popped by with boxes because we have 60 days and we need to get packing. Talked abit about some potentials, came inside to complete quiet (Bee's at swimming) and lost it. The reality hit strong. I almost threw up, I couldn't stop crying. The anxiety is tremendous, worse than it has been in a very long time. I don't know how to handle it. My mind has forgotten everything, it can't remember all the techniques, it cant function on a needed basis, all it can focus on is Bee, making sure she is okay. Everything else comes second hand. I'm in that stage where I'm hungry but I can't physically eat. I know I have to, I know I need to eat healthy to help me along but I may have to go back to my liquid diet for a few days until I can get my body under control to allow myself to eat, even if small amounts.
The rush of adrenaline, my heart is pounding, I can't stop shaking. The panic is setting in again, I can't breath.
We then meet with the bank and I can exhale a bit hearing much better news than we thought. We are on it to look at a house I have fallen in love with, a cute little fixer upper, I fell for it.
While we hear the good news from the bank, that house has been sold. Fuck. This is not going to go well for me. This up and down and the anxiety, it's not going to be okay. It's going to be a very long 60 days. I can't eat, my head hurts, my chest feels tight with panic. 60 days is going to be very hard and long.
I recoup, there are other houses, maybe not as loved but can learn to love. Spend all night, hours upon hours, looking at houses on the mls listing site, find a great list, get actually a bit excited about some of them, email them to our realtor and the top contenders are sold. FUCK, Cue the panic and fear and anxiety.
I'll be living on advil, pepto and gravol for the next 60 days and better get a contingency plan in place. My heart cannot stand to be broken this many times. This whole situation is such bad timing, 9 more months, even 9 more months would help but being forced to do it in 60 days, it's messing with me so much. I did manage to eat a burrito today and some spaghetti but not much else. I can't. I'm hungry, but I can't eat. I try but I gag. My body has shut down all unnecessary functions and it seems eating is one of those. I don't think I can handle this but what other option do I have? Just like after Ty and Jacob died, I didn't want to do it but I didn't have another choice.
It could not come at a worse time. Missed the spring frenzy of all the new listings, everyone lists in spring, would have been great two months ago but here we are, stuck going into summer (which is still a better selling season than winter) but I feel the choice is not great. I know it can be temporary, a good investment but part of me wants that forever home now. Moving is a pain, moving in 60 days is even worse. I know people get stuck in this place but I'm guessing those people are not riddled with ptsd and anxiety and aren't so picky about certain things in a house. My fear drives my aspect of reality. There are some things I can't see.
Sleep as evaded me. I have been falling asleep around 1-2 and getting up at about 5, the headaches keep me up and uncomfortable. The search of houses takes forever, only to find out they have been sold, then my mind just keeps going.
Quickly realized that another year before we buy (like intended) would have made a significant difference in what we would qualify for. Hence the reason we aren't really ready but life throws flame spewing shit balls at you when ever the hell you get too comfy. Today was disheartening. I feel like my mind is going into a coma state, I can't think, I can't function, I feel so foggy and out of it. On the plus side I was able to eat for the first time in a few days. However toured some houses today, maybe 5, honestly cant remember because most of them were the same, old, outdated. We've started to refer to the properties we see like the property brothers for example, the cat pee house, the urinal house, the redneck neighbourhood house, the gas station house, the hair studio house. We've tried to laugh at how horrible some of the places were, no offence to the old people living there but some stuff, wow, it was built in the 50's and hasn't been touched. Such a different time and to see the style, it's kind of funny.
But reality hits and anxiety heightens. We are not where we wanted to be, this is a horrible time to buy a house, they sell in a matter of days, you have to move quick or you miss them. This is the worst scenario and for me, this is a nightmare, absolute nightmare. I can only hope that once we do find a place, I start to feel the excitement but after tomorrow we have no houses left to see and 60 days. July 31st will be here before we know it. We need a miracle at this point. I'm not willing to settle just because I have to be out. A contingency plan needs to be in place so I don't feel as rushed to pull the trigger because there is no other options.
My head hasn't stopped pounding since Saturday. The anger is still there but it motivates me. I am so tense, my body is tight all over, it can't relax, it is in flight mode. It wants to run away from all of this, it wants to hide. My eyes hurt from crying, I'm sure the headaches are linked to the tears as well. But at least I ate, at least I am staying hydrated. The sleep may not be there yet but one small thing is getting back on line after the initial shock. Now it's time to work on sleep and pray some new houses get listed and maybe the one.