The poor girl, she keeps asking to eat and everything I try to give her hurts her mouth too much (except crushed ice which has been a staple the last two days, cheese and oddly enough granola bar). The blisters have started today and I can tell she is horribly uncomfortable. I wish she knew the medicine would help her and not spit it all back up. I wish I could take all her pain and comfortableness away.
We were up this morning at 3:30am getting ready to go to the ER. I had felt her diaper and it didn't feel wet and it had been many hours so we were going to go in and get some fluids. As I was almost out the door I decided to take her diaper off and check and thankfully, it was pretty full. So we avoided the ER yet again. I have so much hesitation to go in and I'm trying to trust my mommy gut but I have issues with it. Thankfully her temp has gone down a bit and now the main worry is dehydration. She has been nursing all day but I think I'm tapped out.
All of this has me wondering about the what ifs. What if Ty and Jacob hadn't died, would I still be this neurotic? Waking up every few hours to check Bee, give her meds, nurse her more and lay awake contemplating going to the ER. I'm sure for non-baby loss moms, the first time their baby is ill is not easy, but pile on the grief and constant worry of having another baby die and it overtakes your life. Again, this is all new to me, none of this existed before Bee was born. I didn't know what it was like to have a sick child until this week. The constant fear of death of seizures, of dehydration have taken over my life. I shake with fear, literally shake with fear. I don't trust myself to make decisions based on her health but I guess we've made it through so far. I wonder if I would have been this way if the boys were here or would I be seasoned enough to let it blow over without much thought.
I have decided to keep her home all week, of course I had lots of appointments this week when she was suppose to be at school but she needs to be home with me, snuggling, eating ice and nursing. Plus, I'm not going to be that mom who sends her clearly sick child to school. I'd like to slap her in the face, kick her in her baby maker. And for those who say, maybe she didn't know, she did. By the time she sent her kid to school he/she had blisters and a rash. You know your kid is sick at that point and because your an ass, my daughter and probably other kids are now sick as well. Yes I know Bee would eventually get sick and yes I know sometimes you don't know your child is sick but I was told the child had blisters and a rash which indicated hfm. Why they chose to let the kid in the center for a few hours I don't know, perhaps they didn't know otherwise and maybe the mom told them some lie about what the child had, but regardless, it happened and now we deal with it. We deal with it when Stephen is away for the weekend. I can barely keep my shit together.
If I don't wake up one morning its because the stress has literally killed me. It is consuming every inch of my being. My entire focus is Bee and only Bee. The house is a mess, I haven't eaten in a few days, I've been focused on getting plenty of fluids so my milk supply stays up for Bee. My mind goes to the dark place, I start to panic, I start to have trouble breathing, I start to shake, I get nauseous, I get headaches, I tense up, I become a blubbering mess. I'm not use to all of this. Bee's birth triggered a response in me, it triggered fears and worries I could never have imagined. It took my grief to a new level. Everything with Bee is new to me. It's day 3 and I know today is usually the worst, if we can just make it through the next few days, we will be okay. It just kills me to see her like this. In saying that, I think she only has a mild case because I have seen some full blown ones and she's not that bad, but its bad for me. I can tell she is in pain and I wish she'd take her medicine to help with the pain but apparently she doesn't like the taste of white grape.
This illness has been a learning experience for me, that's for sure! It has taken me to a new place I haven't yet been and I rather not be here, especially not alone. I need my level headed husband here, I need him more than I could have imagined. Its funny that you don't realize how much you depend on someone until they are gone and then its like wow, the only reason I am somewhat able to function on a daily basis and have kept my shit together is because of him, he is by my side and sees me through.
Here is to day 3 of this horrible illness, hoping we make it through today in one piece and only tears are from me.