The guilt is eating away at my soul. I feel horrible, I feel it is my fault and though I know this day would eventually come, it doesn't make it any easier.
A few weeks ago Bee started "school". My life became so overwhelmed that I simply had to get help taking care of it. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't even take care of my own daughter like a mother should and that I had to ship her off to have someone else take care of her while I try to get my shit together. I know it had to be done, I know for my mental health I need this time alone to work on things, I need time for my appointments, it had to be done, but it doesn't make it any easier.
At first, she was attending school two days a week but due to some huge upsets last week I asked if we could add an extra day for the time being. I'd like to get back down to two days a wee but right now I needed the three. I feel horribly guilty. I again feel like a failure.
This week was the first week she started three days a week. She normally goes Tuesday and Thursday but this week we added Wednesday. I dropped her off like normal and she went about her happy way (drop offs are no longer an issue). As I approached the door to pick her up I saw the sign (not the Ace of Base kind) the kind that makes any anxious person have a panic attack. The sign said that a child at the center had come to school and left due to a diagnosis of hand foot and mouth. I rolled me eyes, I don't need this, Bee didn't need this. I hoped it was a kid in the older classroom but as I walked into Bees classroom her teacher told me that Bee specifically had interacted with this infected child, of which was in her room. In all honesty, I almost passed out. The panic set in full force.
I came home and started studying. I researched all the things I would need to combat it. Sure, there was a chance she wouldn't end up having it but I needed to be prepared. Stephen was gone this weekend so I was solo. We went out that evening while she was still feeling well. I gathered all our supplies and headed home.
I debated whether or not to send her to school on Thursday but figured she had already been exposed and it would give me the option to fully prepare. She was fine, acting herself no temp, no indication anything was wrong. I read the incubation period of hand foot and mouth could be 1-6 days.
We woke up this morning in normal fashion. Bee was in a rather happy mood. She thought it was hilarious when I almost slipped so of course I had to recreate the event and tape her laughing. We went about our morning, I was waiting for an extremely importnant call and our plan was to head out after that. I wanted a Bee and Mommy day. We'd go out for lunch then to Pioneer village, home for a cuddle nap and just chill until bedtime. After my call I buckled Bee in her car seat and we were off. About 5 minutes into our drive, I looked back and she was asleep. It's not totally out of the norm for her to fall asleep around 10 if we are in the car so I did what I normally do and went for a drive. She woke up about 20 minutes later and we headed to the bank. I walked around to unbuckle her and that's when I felt it. Her skin was on fire, my eyes started to get fuzzy and I started to feel dizzy. I felt her forehead and my fear was confirmed. She was sick. I ran in with her to quickly deposit our cheque and then buckled her back in the seat so we could head home. Obviously our plans had changed.
As we were driving home I kept looking back to check on her and she was quickly dwindling. She could barely keep her eyes open, she looked so lethargic and I thought shit, this is it. One of my greatest fears, Bee gets really sick and I thought fuck, shes going to have a seizure and I'll pull over like a mad woman to call 911. We'd have to rush to the hospital with her sick and me inconsolable. It would just be us as Stephen was out of town.
We made it home, I set her up on the chair and gave her some medicine. She looked so ill, she was not herself. I got her to eat a popsicle, gave her some cool packs, turned the fan on her, turned on her cartoons and called telehealth. They agreed that for now she would be okay and gave me some things to look for that would make us travel to the ER.
About an hour after her medicine she started to act more like herself. She got up and ate a decent lunch, had some water and more milk (I've been nursing non-stop ALL day, but its what she needs) we jut chilled on the couch for a bi, tried another nap in bed but it didn't fly. We came out to the living room to chill on the couch some more and she feel asleep nursing. She napped for a little while and when she woke up I took her temp again. It had sky rocketed. It had reached the point the lady on the phone mentioned to me. She was not acting herself and since it was time for more meds, I gave them to her, set her back up on the couch and started to get things together to head to the ER.
Since she was okay and not totally out of it, I decided to grab a quick bit to eat and offered her a small snack, which she ate. About an hour later as we were about to head to the ER, I took her temp again, it had gone down and she started acting more like herself. She got up and I made her a big bowl of pasta (which she happily ate) and drank some more juice. I noticed afterwords that she is having trouble waking, her feet are hurting her but there aren't any spots yet. We decided to skip the ER for now since her fever had gone back down and she was back to herself.
I decided we'd both enjoy a bath so off we went. She played for a while and when we got out she started shaking, I guess it cooled her down so we had to warm her back up. She got into her jammies, I put the breathing monitor on (we stopped months ago but when she is sick, I need her to wear it) had some more milk and she fell asleep so I put her to bed after giving her some more medicine (of which she spit most up).
Our bags are packed, they are by the front door, I have non-regular pajamas on incase we have to rush out the door. The meds are in our room so I can give them to her every 4 hours, it seems that's when her fever starts to spike. I have my alarm set to administer every 4 hours, snacks in our bags, everything in our bags ready to rush out the door to the ER. I will be checking her a lot tonight, making sure her fever isn't too high.
So how am I doing? I am a WRECK. I have cried so much today. I have been shaking out of fear. My heart has been racing, my head pounding. The only thing I could do today was take care of Bee, nothing else was done (though I don't care about that part). I almost passed out from the panic attack. My mind keeps going there, I feel so guilty, I feel so fearful, I feel like a failure. I cant trust my mommy instincts, I don't know when to bring her to the ER, I wish she want sick. I wish she would get better. It is so scary, it is terrifying. I can barely keep my shit together. I keep thinking this is it, this is fucking it. All my fears, the fever is what scares me. All I can think about is the febrile seizures, I know they don't cause much harm but to see your child shaking uncontrollably, I cant take that. I cant take seeing Bee laying lifeless on the couch not feeling well. To see her struggle to walk because her feet hurt, it is tearing me up inside. I am so fearful that something catastrophic will happen that I can only be by her side day and night. If I don't eat or sleep so be it. I am praying that the almighty breastmilk will help her through. I read some kids only get the fever, some only get the rash and some get the full blown with blisters. It's only day one of 5 or 6 and I swear, by the end of this it will be a miracle if I've not had a heart attack. I know the stress has caused significant effects on me lately and to add this, my mind is gone. I'm just trying to hang on by a tiny thread. I'm trying to keep my shit together but it has quickly fallen apart.
I'm worried about her overnight. I worry she will get dehydrated because shes sleeping and wont be drinking as much. I think I'll sleep topless so she can help herself but it still worries me that I cant see how lethargic she is when shes sleeping.
And on that note, its time for a Bee check. See if her fever has gone down and if it hasn't off to the ER. I hope we don't make it to the ER tonight but I will not hesitate to driver her down there at 2am if need be. I don't like my little girl being sick.