You know him, I know him (or her) Dr. Goggle. The one doctor no one should ever visit yet we all do. I'm sitting here tonight with a headache. It's not my normal headache so I panic. My first instinct is brain aneurysm, actually it's the only instinct. It's my go to instinct when I have head pain and it's not the norm for me. Of course it couldn't be because we've been sick and it may possibly be a head cold. It couldn't be the pressure from this storm system we have going through (I don't normally get pressure headaches). It couldn't be that I hurt my arm and my muscles are all out of whack, which sometimes cause headaches. It's nothing logical like that. It must be an aneurysm. I had a CT scan done one year ago and was referred to a neurologist for this May. The CT (which is one of the standard tests for aneurysms) showed nothing. I've also had a sinus x-ray and dilated my eyes and had an exam. All these tests showed nothing. I mean there is a brain in there, a happy, healthy brain, but no odd things that would cause pain.
I try so hard to remind myself of this. I try so hard to read the symptoms and realize that other then a weird (and somewhat bad pain) I have no other symptoms. I try to breathe but my mind has already gone there. That's how ptsd works. From the minute this odd pain started, my mind went there and it's hell to get back. I took some advil hoping it would help. But, sometimes advil actually makes the pain worse. It doesn't matter though. Any twinge of pain right now, my minds already gone. It is hell to reel it back in. It is hell to recognize the facts and that most of the facts point to nothing but a simple headache. Even Dr. Google agrees tonight that it's most likely just a headache. A pressure headache, but the thing is, I don't get those. I mean I don't think I get those? Sometimes I can't remember as I've had headaches most of my life and they do change from time to time. But it doesn't matter. When you have ptsd brain, the wires are connected to go to bad thoughts. Part of my counseling, my emdr therapy is to re-wire those connections to better thoughts. It's hard work. It's exhausting, its emotional and draining. I've become scrooge and I hear it lasts the first few months.
I will keep going though so that maybe, just maybe one day when I have a headache that isn't my norm, I can just breathe and remind myself of the facts and that I am okay (unless it the worst headache of my life and I'm dizzy, vomiting, loosing vision, then it would warrant some worry). Maybe one day, I won't need Dr. Google anymore. Maybe I can learn to trust myself again. ,