Blogging is getting fewer and far in between but I'm okay with that. It's been a challenge to write, or at least write with sustenance. There is the run of the mill stuff going on, Stephen is working, I'm in counseling, Bee is growing up into quite the little lady. It's also Christmas, any holiday is hard for us, but Christmas hurts just a bit more than all the others.
But even through all of the daily mundane life living, I find myself giving me permission to dream. I had so many hopes and dreams for Ty. When I was folding and hanging his clothes, I envisioned what he would look like in them. I often sat in the rocking chair and imagined holding him. I set up his crib and put on his sheets, wondering how many he would pee through. But when Ty died so did all my dreams.
I couldn't dream with Jacob given the circumstances and I still couldn't while pregnant with Bee. Even now that she is here, when I am folding or hanging clothes in bigger sizes, I don't let my mind wander to picturing her in them because it's too scary. But, I have been motivated lately. I have been on a cleaning frenzy to declutter our life. It's not that we own a lot, we don't, but I still feel we have things we don't use that others could benefit from. Now that I found the free store, its' very easy for me to go through things and get rid of them. I am very motivated for 2015, I have some hefty goals (of which I will share later) and through it all, after 4 years I allowed myself to dream.
I told Stephen, when we buy a house, besides a large yard, I only care about having a library. I'm not kidding, we have hundreds, probably close to a thousand books. I'd put in a cozy 1 1/2 seat couch with ottoman, one of those electric fireplaces, sit down on a cold winters night and snuggle under a warm heated blanket while reading with Bee and sipping hot cocoa. Dreams.....
It may seem small and silly to some, but it is a dream I hold close to my heart. It is a dream that will take awhile to achieve, but I am holding onto it because it feels good to have a dream again.