It's been a tough go lately. I have felt incredibly overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I have to do and the little amount of time I have to do it in. And of course everything comes after Bee is entertained and engaged. Though I do force her to "be bored" from time to time if I am in a pinch, it's very hard for me to not be with her or attentive to her all the time (school is going to kill me). I know how precious she is, I cherish her a lot so it's hard to take a lot of time away from her when I do not have the chance. It was different when she was in daycare, that was easier for me (so maybe school won't kill me) but now, we have yet to find the balance. Not to mention, if it's a nice day we are outside most of the day and a lot more gets neglected. I have piles of fabric to be cut, piles of fabric to be sewn and zero motivation to do it. I have two blogs to keep up to date. I have a book proposal I need to write. I have a book I need to edit. I have a house to keep clean and running smoothly. I have meals that need to be "cooked", clothes that need to be washed, as well as dishes. Cats that need things, plants that need things (I give up on herbs, I've killed almost all of them off) but all of that comes after Bee.
I have extra time with her because of when her birthday was, I want to spend that extra time with her, I want to take her places and explore, show her life and eat copious amounts of ice cream. But all of that comes at a price, a price that causes me great stress and anxiety. Since we have moved, I've felt very alone. I don't know anyone in town, I don't have my tribe, I don't have my mom friends, I don't have that support. I hate the thought of going to groups, hi social anxiety, but even then, everyone in those mom groups have babies, Bee is not a baby anymore. I try to get to know some people, my MIL's church is in town so we volunteer there. My grandma also moved into a nursing home here so we are there a lot, which actually is kind of nice but none of that provides help, well I mean it's me helping other people but then I'm left with more things to do. Everything piles up, small blips with a design turn into huge stressful, all out crying moments.
There is no balance, I've mentioned it many times and yet there still isn't any. I should have sewn today but we went through all the baby clothes to get rid of some to sell. It had to be done, but I can't prioritize, my mind is so far gone, I can't think straight. I can't organize my day to do a bit of everything little by little. I get stuck walking around trying to think of what to do and going from place to place, getting distracted everytime I go to do something and forget about what I was going to do. Case in point, I logged onto Weebly to work on my other blog site but this one popped up first so I thought I'd write an entry and keep getting distracted by Facebook. It's like that viral video going around of the kid laying on the floor going around the merry-go-round. Thats my mind. It's being dragged around and around and all of this just leads me to feel like I am failing. I feel like I can't successfully do anything and yet I look around and see just how much I have done but it doesn't connect. My mind doesn't see that, it just see the pile of fabric sitting in the corner knowing full well tomorrow is going to be a nice day so it will probably sit another day. Then the guilt will add up and by the time Bee goes to bed, I just sit because I'm too exhausted to do anything else. so things sit.
They sit and sit and never get taken care of. I wont even think about the next few weeks of spring like weather when all I want to do is be outside, digging into the earth! We have so much to do outside. We were left with a mess, this year is all about prepping the yard and starting a small veggie garden. Lots of grass to be dug up to make room for gardens, the grass in the backyard is a nightmare, so much work to fix it (it's pretty much weeds) the landscaping outfront looks like my 4 year old did it, I'm sure the neighbours will be thankful once we fix it up, apparently well manicured lawns and houses are a must in this neighbourhood and we don't want to be those people. But it just adds to the list of things to do, however, I am very likely to do the outside stuff because we just want to be outside! I find it helps ease the anxiety, we always go barefoot and eat outside as much as we can. The air, the sun, the warmth, the grass, the gardens, all of it eases so much anxiety. Then I'll come inside and it will all come rushing back. I think the thing about gardening too is you can see your hard work and its easier for me to connect to that because its more permanent. You actually get to eat the fruits of your labour in a veggie garden and that is so satisfying. I love having my own farmers market in my backyard.
I'm hoping even though I feel stressed and overwhelmed and it will stay that way because things won't be getting done inside, I'm hoping all that sun and warmth eases the anxiety and that working outside helps me breathe a little. It may throw things more off balance but I think the benefit from it outweighs the risk.