Do you forgive yourself for Ty's death, this was the question to start out my counseling session a few weeks ago. Immediately followed by tears I chocked out a no. It lead to a pretty emotional, tough, exhausting session. I felt the no so intensely but I didnt know why. I dont forgive myself for Ty's death but I dont know why. Maybe I dont understand what forgiveness truly means or how it really feels and thats the part I can't connect with but over and over again when I asked myself the question, I could only keep saying no. Tears poured down my face every time I faced the question, no, I can't forgive myself. It hurts, a deep wound, one I don't know if I can ever fully heal. I know nothing will ever be healed, nothing will ever take all the pain, memories or emotions away. My two sons dies, there is no healing from that. There is learning to live, learning to love, learning to manage and cope but no total healing. I dont know if I will ever forgive myself, I dont know if I can but maybe if I can sort out why I feel that way, it can lessen the trauma.
It's been awhile since I have written, there have been so many times I have wanted to sit down and write lately, I've needed this outlet, but with the move and no internet, I didn't have the option. I sit here tonight with a heavy heart. I have yet to start my medicine, I can't take all the side effects right now and part of me feels like it's not the best time. A lot has been going on. I've been very unsettled about the move, not use to the idea of moving to a different town (only 25 minutes away) but I;m home sick. I miss the "safety" I say that relatively because there were still risks where we lived but I still felt safe because it was comfortable. It was home, it was what I knew. Moving has thrown me down the rabbit hole (and emdr was not suggested during this event but due to "hospital structure", can't tell you how many times I've heard that, I've had no choice but to continue). My mind has wandered to all the negativity, soft floors meaning there will be a sink hole (crazy anxiety mind right there) bacterial infestation at the local splash pad (because Bee drank water and sadly enough there has been some kids getting sick from playing there so not totally out of this world crazy thought) it's going to take some time to get use to it.
Our neighbours told us it was a quiet and pretty good neighbourhood then Wednesday night happened. I have been disassociated with the world because of this event. If you live in Canada or the US or heck, anywhere else in the world, you may have heard about the thwarted terrorist attack. A white, Canadian born male, supporter of ISIS was set to detonate a bomb (suicide bombing) in London Ontario (though it is unconfirmed but all reports seem to be pointing to that) My town, my town and this was avoided only by seconds. Not only is it scary because of it being my town, they arrested him in a house that is, we'll say, we could hear the shouting, see the armed swat team, our road was barricaded and we were told to stay in side. There was a large presence of police and firetrucks, opp, ambulance and local cops sit right outside our front door at this moment. It was like that for two days. They killed the terrorist so in my mind, there won't be retaliation from him, but this shit, this is shit you see in movies, cops speeding by, armed swat team members, drones, all of that you only see in movies not real life. But no, it' is real life. Terrifying. I sat for two days, a nervous wreck, waiting to hear an explosion. I know they are going through the house to look for explosives, I know people have been evacuated. The guy set off one bomb in a taxi before he was killed. Scary shit. Terrifying. All in this new town we moved to, the one that was suppose to be quiet and a good place to raise kids and it's not like it's in the "bad" area of town, this is only houses away. It's been terrifying. I can't even begin to describe the terror, the fear, sitting in fear for two days, waiting just waiting for the house to shake and hear a large explosion because we didn't know. No one knew. We've walked by the house a few times (it's on the way to the park) and it looks normal. Could never tell a terrorist was shot and killed in the driveway and his family is still living there, it looks normal. I mean whatever the definition of normal is. It scares me to know someone can end up like that, like how the fuck do I make sure Bee doesn't turn out to be off the rocker, sympathizing with people who want to kill others, keeping her away from becoming a drug addict, as a parent what the hell do I do? It scares me to know kids go down that path.
I have become do depersonalized lately, I'm just floating along, I can't connect to anything. No emotion other that fear and terror in the moment. Most of the time I am just being. I remember the medication making me feel like that, well not feel like that as I didn't feel much, it's okay but it fucking scares me not to feel. I hate this, this is probably worse than the fear or worry or anxiety, not feeling anything is probably the worst, most terrifying feeling one can have. I smile, I laugh but I can't connect with the emotion. I know it's important to recognize that I am laughing and smiling, even if I can't feel the emotion because somewhere in my body it recognizes something funny, something happy or silly to make me smile and laugh and it will eventually connect once all the other shit is cleared out.
Life has just been insane lately, I am so home sick for our old place (the city not the house, I love our house here) I am homesick for the safety of the city I knew. I am homesick for the convenience I now do not have. It's hard getting use to change, throw on ptsd and anxiety and it becomes a bitch. So of course, in true Jessica fashion, I push myself and tonight I am going through baby stuff, be on the look out for that blog. That's going to be another train wreck.