It's hard to grasp the concept of a year. I sit looking outside as the cool fall rain dribbles, the breeze knocks the red, yellow and orange leaves off the trees and it's pumpkin everything. I think back to a year ago and all that has happened since. It seems I can't remember, I can't connect. It's almost like it was all a dream, it's almost like I've been sitting here looking out the window watching someone else's life for the last year. To me, it feels like last Fall was just starting. It's hard to believe it has been a year. I feel like I've missed so much. The winter was horrible long and cold (and I hear this one will be worse UGH), there wasn't really a spring and summer was cool. Things happened in our life that were not expected which really quite drastically changed our plans and our life. I feel like I was just surviving, I wasn't able to soak in life.
It makes me sad that I feel this way. I do hold good memories of things that have happened, but it's still hard to connect, to feel like it really happened. My therapist and I were talking about how I get very overwhelmed with stress, little things set me off these days and I'm not use to it so I don't know how to handle it. Sometimes it ends up with anger, sometimes depression or sadness. Because things stress me out so much, it really hinders my ability to live. It doesn't allow me to fully absorb what is going on and leaves my mind frazzled.
It makes me see what I am missing even more. Maybe it was just today but Bee was constantly by my side. It's not that I mind it but I do have to cook meals for her. All she wanted was me to play with her, which I love but it also kills me sometimes because she shouldn't be bored, she shouldn't need entertainment from me because her brothers should be here playing with her. It makes my heart hurt more for her, all I can do is apologize to her for getting a shit stick life from the get go. I just don't feel it is fair for her and I know all too well that life is not fair, it just sucks some days. She shouldn't say Hi Ty and Jacum (how she says Jacob) everytime we pass a cemetery. She shouldn't know where to run when we get out of the car to see her brothers. She shouldn't know to rub their headstones and blow kisses as we say goodbye. She should know laughter, she should know sibling love, she should know how to interact with other kids.
I do hope one day I will be able to truly live and enjoy. I hope we will be able to find peace and calm in our lives. I hope all that we are going through right now settles so I can start to breathe. I don't want this next year to pass by without enjoyment either!