If someone told me 6 years ago that I would own 3 grave plots before I owned a house, I would have said ha, not me, that kind of stuff doesn't happen. That's only the kind of stuff that happens in a messed up world. It's a messed up world. I can't get over thinking that, I now own something that is not a grave plot (Ty, Jacob and reserved mine). That statement is heavy on my heart. It's the reality of life. It still shocks me. I guess it's the realization that the life I envisioned and planned for, is not the life I am actually living. I didn't expect to bury my first born, I didn't expect to bury my second born, nor did I expect the hell that is now ptsd and anxiety from those events.
But that's the thing with life, it rarely goes according to plan (at least for me and I'm sure for others as well) Things unexpected always happen and they like to happen to me. It makes dealing with anxiety very tough. I've been on a mix of advil and gravol over the last few weeks because the anxiety is taking a toll on my body. My ptsd and anxiety live in my body. Mentally I feel okay, my thoughts aren't anywhere horrible (I mean yeah I still have worries and fears) but it's not like end of the world thinking. My body, thats a different story. I talk a lot with my counselor about how my symptoms of ptsd and anxiety are systematic. It's helpful for me to know and recognize that because it makes alleviating my anxiety during an attack a bit easier. If anything, when I have an attack now (like on Sunday) when I ache and feel like I've been knocked down with the flu, headaches, body aches, shaking etc, I can remind myself it is just the anxiety. I know with time it will pass. Time, it's what I need. I can't rush the adrenaline or cortisone out of my body but I can remind myself that it is just the anxiety and it will ride itself out. I treat my body, I go for acupuncture, chiropractic work and massage because that is what my body needs to help with the anxiety. I can tell you I don't go to massage to relax, it hurts, I sometimes cry, I'm in a bit of pain but it is a good pain. It's the kind of pain my body needs, my muscles need the release. My trauma lives in my body, it's not that my mind isn't involved it is, as well as my emotions, but so much of it lies in my body, in my bones, in my muscle, in the memory my muscles have, in my stomach, in my neck, in my shoulders, everywhere hurts. Digestion gets thrown off, my ability to think or process anything beyond the necessities of a "normal" day go out the window. I stutter. I stutter. I've never stuttered in my life and now I do it almost daily, especially when I am overwhelmed. My mind can't process things like it use to.
It's having a very hard time wrapping itself around the idea that I now own land besides grave plots. Perhaps it's because it's not where I dreamed to be or my dream backyard, logically I get the move but the feels aren't there. I'm sure with time they will come and as we all adjust things may even improve more. I hear nothing but good things about where we are moving, it's just one of those things I attempted to plan that life was like, hell no, curve ball, get over it. It's yet another dream I have to let go, but at least this one is temporary and this one can change, maybe once we are in the house, I will realize my dreams are pouring into it. I dont know. I don't know what the future holds and it scares me like usual. I've very hesitant about the whole situation, mainly because it wasn't on my time, but it's change and that is hard for me. It's hard at the same time it's exciting because I now own grass that doesn't cover the graves of my children (or my future self). A dream I had dreamed for years is almost here, it is an altered dream but it is still a part of that original dream, owning my own house. I can now paint Bee's room pink, I can paint any room the colour I would like. I can plant, I can mow the grass, I can do laundry in an actual laundry machine, I can install a climbing wall for Bee.....I can do what I want because I own a home. I own something more than a grave yard...finally.