Grief can be so many things and mean so many things to everyone. Grief for me means having a really bad day but getting up the next day and getting back out there.
Grief means as hard as it is, as hard as I struggle I still get up and live. I still make sure everyone is fed, laundry and dishes are washed, floors are cleaned, pre-made meals are made, errands are run, bills are paid.
Grief means sucking it up most days. As tired or sore as I am, I push it to the side and live. If I have a headache, I take meds and go out and about. If I ache, I still move. If I'm tired, I still move. If my stomach is upset, I have a ginger drop. I still function.
Grief means to me being a parent regardless. My daughter is, always has and always will be my number one priority, she comes before anything else, including any struggles.
Grief means watching Fuller House and laughing my ass off.
Grief means getting out in nature, reconnecting with mother nature and exploring the world with Bee. She is curious us about the leaves, the birds, the turtles, the frogs, the snakes, the slugs, the water, the boardwalk. She stops to inquire and I love teaching her. To watch her learn and grow is amazing.
Grief means being resilient. It means being strong, showing strength those can not imagine.
Grief means never giving up. It means finding motivation in the pain.
Grief means admitting my weaknesses and working on them.
Grief means recognizing my strengths and celebrating them, using them to help me work on my weaknesses.
Grief means realizing I don't actually have bad memory, I'm really good at remembering things. I've seen it at work, I've seen it at home. Being organized really helps. Having a calendar really helps. Believing in myself really helps.
Grief means recognizing that I have an amazing support of people in my life, family and friends. I am blessed beyond measures to know Bee is loved by so many as am I. These people who would drop everything to help us out. People who have been by my side for between 6 and 33 years.
I've come to realize that, even though I struggle some days, even though some days seem hard my mental illness has NEVER stopped me and it never will. It actually motivates me to strive to do better, to go to counseling to learn how I can be the best version of myself and the best parent to Bee. I'm always learning how to help Bee, to be the best parent and help her grow the best she can. I want to give her the world, to show her the real world. To show her that some days can be hard, some days can be painful but in those moments, through the pain, find the motivation and positivity. Always strive to be the best version of you and to be kind to everyone. I know too that her life is different than most of her friends. She lives a life that has seen a lot of death. Teaching her the beauty of death is important. I know she may struggle, learning how I can help her through the best I can is important. I want her to see the strength in asking for help, for seeking counseling when you can't deal with life issues on your own. To let her know she doesn't have to suffer in silence, I will be there for her cheering her on, be her listening ear, her comforting arms, guiding her along the way with unconditional love. My mental illness has NEVER stopped me from being the best parent I can be and it never will. I know that. I will always provide for my daughter. It is my motivation.
I've also realized that I am not my mental illness Yes somedays the physical side effects hurt but it doesn't stop me. It will not run my life, I run my life. The last few months have been a huge growth for me. Going back to work has opened up a whole new me (I even want a full time job now) being back at work, getting organized has been healthy. Starting to work out, to take care of myself has been wonderful (as much as I dread the gym some days, but then, does anyone really like the gym?) I've got crap organized, I have the energy to finish projects around the house, to cook, actually cook real food.
I may have a mental illness but I've come to see that it has never stopped me, only I have stopped me. Now that I know that, the world better watch out.