4 years ago today I held my first born, a son named Tiberius. It was also the last time I held my son Ty. He now resides in my heart. 4 years ago, after 37 very exciting weeks, we found out though we would become a mom and dad, we would not become parents. Instead we would parent a grave with the headstone of our child. Instead of leaving the hospital with our newborn, strapping him into the car seat and heading home, we left with a small white box. There were tears but tears of sorrow. Our lives changed that day and it has been a struggle since.
Not a day goes by where I don't think of Ty or see his beautiful face. I continue to move in life with him (and Jacob) being my inspiration. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day but we got the shit stick with Ty being stillborn on the same day. Today I remember Ty and all that he taught us. My love for him started the minute I knew he was real. My love for him will continue forever. Tears have been shed today, I hope it is the end of my depression I have suffered lately.
September 5th - October 15th is never an easy time for me. Many tears are shed, hearts are extra sore and memories are constant. Last year we were able to donate (fundraising in memory of the boys) close to $1000 through various gifts to World Vision. This year was not as successful. I had hoped to raise $2000 and donate to 4 local pet charities but since we only raised $230, I picked Salthaven Wildlife Rehab. We sent our donation today and were able to "pick" a sponsor animal. We opted to sponsor a fawn in memory of Ty and Jacob thanks to the donations raised in their memory. A fawn just seemed so fitting since the cemetery where the boys are buried have deer and every spring we see the fawn. Ties it to the boys very well. We will get updates, video and a special invitation to attend a release date (of which we will attend and take pictures).
I really do hope I can start to get out of my fall funk. Being sick (ER visit for me yesterday) has not helped but I hope now that I am on the mend, things are starting to settle down, maybe, just maybe my fall funk will vacate me. I'd like to enjoy Christmas this year. So here is to the end of 6ish long weeks. A very emotional 6ish long weeks ending with my beloved Ty's 4th birthday. I always wonder what he would be like.