The journey through counseling is going well. Now that we are focusing more on the boys directly through emdr, I'm starting to notice a difference. I guess my mind and body were ready to deal with it. One thing I really struggle with, or did in the beginning was connecting to emotions. I mean any emotion. I was numb for so long that I could not connect. When I started counseling and group 1 1/2 years ago I started to re-connect to my emotions. However, they were negative and for the most part, still are. I am riddled with anxiety most of the time. I get worried, scared and nervous very easily. I feel sad, I feel anger, all negative emotions. I won't say bad emotions because there are no bad emotions, emotions are just emotions. No one can be happy 100% of the time, it's not possible, our emotional circuit boards are so vast that being happy all the time is not doable, no matter how hard you try. I just could not connect with a positive emotion.
The last few emdr sessions seem to be opening me up a bit more. Or maybe because I am paying attention and checking in with myself, things are changing. Today I cried, but I cried because I was happy. I cried because I am so in love with Bee. I picked her up after she went swimming with her dad, took her for a lunch date of her choice (french fries and ice cream) then we went to a new park and got to explore that for an hour (and see two baby owls, lucky us) then home and played outside for 2 hours.I had so much joy in my life today and though there were tough moments, she is 3 and I'm usually tired, the love I felt made me cry. It made me want to burst (in a good way). I registered that, just like I register when I am smiling or laughing, I am teaching my body, myself to register that something positive is happening and over time the hope is that the positive emotions will start to come with the body reactions. Today I saw it, I saw that small glimpse I'm holding out for.
The last few weeks things have been okay. I've had some really positive things going on and though I feel no pride or accomplishment, I see it. At least I can now see it. It's a long journey to rediscover the positive emotions but I know they are there. Days like today prove they are there, even if my positive emotions show through tears, even if they are mixed with sadness in realizing it shouldn't be that easy to go out for an afternoon and have it be a breeze because I should have two more in tow. They are still there, I have to recognize it, I have to register it. When I cried today, I registered the small feeling in my chest, love, joy, happiness. Listening to Bee talk to her doll in the back of the car, happy moment (mixed with sad) but even if the happy moments are mixed with the sad, at least they are still there.
I can't honestly say I feel there will ever come a time when the happy isn't mixed with the sad, at least for milestone moments because every time Bee hits a milestone, I am reminded of what Ty and Jacob missed. Given, there are small moments in the day that bring me happiness and laughter and I don't see those always tying in with sadness, but for the here and now, I connected to a positive emotion today. Even though it was external I felt it internally and that is a very very very very small step forward, but it's still forwards and not back. Maybe all I needed all along was to focus on my grief for the boys and deal with it, Maybe this emdr stuff works? I do end up crying a lot in counseling, but like I've said before, it's not an ugly cry, it's a tears just fall from my eyes whether I like it or not and there is no way to stop it cry. It's opening up wounds that need to be stitched back up properly so they can heal and provide more strength, like the teapot I still need to find and smash.
But tonight I can go to bed with a smile on my face knowing that for moments today, I felt. I felt joy and happiness and wet eyes but there is such thing as happy tears and I seem to get them a lot these days. Maybe it's my new thing. I'll just make sure to always buy water proof mascara and bring kleenex with me no matter where I go. I'll be the happy crying mom.