Loss affects families in so many ways. It disrupts their future, it lessens their hope and dreams, it tears some apart, it builds some up. One area I don't see many talking about is how it affects the family tree, the family dynamics, the family planning etc. Call it what you want, adding more children is what I'm trying to get at.
When a child dies, the family that was planned is no more. Our family planned is certainly no more. We wanted to have 3 children and then adopt. We started young and soon after we met so we could accomplish this beautiful family we had planned. We wanted our children somewhat close in age, wanted them by the time we turned a certain age. But all of that was turned upside down when Ty died and subsequently when Jacob died. Our family planned died with the boys. It's something we struggle with on a daily basis.
The idea of giving Bee a sibling weighs heavy on our hearts. Yes, more than anything we want Bee to have a sibling but it's not that easy for us. Our hearts and minds are no where near where they use to be. We know it's not guaranteed. We know the heartache, along with the joy. We have no more family plan. We've hit the age of not wanting more kids. My body has had the three children we intended on having and we are left wondering where to go. What to do.We feel rushed at times to make a decision but we aren't on the same page (well we are on the same page as not wanting more kids right now) but death changed everything.
At this point, Bee will be 3 before another child is added, she'll be almost 3 1/2. That wasn't in the plan. I wanted 2 years in between each child and yes I know that doesn't always happen, even with loss. But, it does also happen for a lot of people who plan it that way. It was in our plan. It was in our plan to be done by the time we were in our early 30's so we could enjoy life, enjoy the family and focus on living rather than being pregnant. It wasn't in the plan to be pregnant at this age. Sure, plans change, things happen, people change their minds, but when it has nothing to do with you, when you had no control over the plans changing, it's hard to face. It's hard to know where to go, what direction to look in.
The only option we see is making a new plan, but even that doesn't seem to go with how we feel. We really feel like just taking it day by day, month by month, year by year. We don't want to plan. Who is to say that if we make new plans they won't change? What if we get pregnant and have another loss? Add on that I make a horrible pregnant woman. It is so difficult, I am most certainly not one of those, I love being pregnant, women. I do recognize the beauty, the miracle, the amazement of it, but for me personally, it's hard. I have horrible pains, horrible all day sickness that lasts most of my pregnancy, things ache so bad, my mood is all over, I can barely eat, I cant stand the smell of things, I get irritated, I get so very very sleepy and maybe because I know that the plan may not work out, maybe it makes me not want to bother with a plan and just wing it.
Family planning is not something we can really plan anymore because everything we knew, everything we wished and hoped for, for our planned family was throw into the ground and buried. Death changes things, it changes unexpected things. It causes struggles, yeah I want Bee to have a sibling, but at what cost to my physical and mental health. Adoption is definitely not out of the question but I know there is heartbreak with that as well. I know there are costs, I know there are emotions. Can't plan for a family anyway we look at it. I guess that leaves us to winging it. I have no idea where our family tree will be expanded, if it will at all. Loss has changed everything I knew and now, I'm lost. I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. But, I'm doing it without a plan.