There is a block in me. It is a rather big, deep and dark black hole that swallows up positivity. I have struggled with positive feelings post-trauma sometimes so much so that I don't remember when I smiled or laughed last. This year has been getting better, I have had a few raw, pure moments of happiness that I have been able to bank but my black hole swallows up a lot of them. I don't know why, I don't know what it is. Counseling this week was hard, it's when I discovered this hole. My counselor was asking me if I felt I didn't deserve to be happy or have positive things happen, or if I felt I had some survivors guilt. I thought about it but it doesn't seem fitting. I actually think I do deserve happiness because of all the shit I have been through I deserve some fucking happiness! But that left me confused, I know I deserve it yet it is so hard for me to feel it. I was doing some emdr around this and trying to figure out what it was and I discovered my black hole. It sits between my mind and body. Sometimes it is quite large, swallowing every thought before it can become an emotion. Sometimes, on the very rare occasion, it gets to full and shrinks, allowing me to have actual happy moments when my thoughts connect to a positive emotion. Other times it gets too full and vomits all my thoughts into feelings and that can be quite messy but for the most part it is just a giant hole near my heart that I don't know if will ever shrink completely. I kind of think it is here to stay, I kind of think that part of me is buried deep beneath the ground with Ty and Jacob.
I know it's there, it sucks the positive and happy right away, I process and recognize a happy and joyful moment but I rarely feel it. It just opens it's big wide dark hole and empties those thoughts into itself before I can connect with the emotion. This is something new for me. It came about because I've been struggling with trusting myself which turned into control and then went to not being able to let go of certain things. I don't feel I should be punished (survivors guilt) because of what happened to Ty or Jacob and I do logically see that I deserve all the happiness in the world, bring on the sunshine and lollipops, but something in me prevents it from happening as easily as it should. The hard part for me is accepting it may never go away, this could truly be something I live with forever. It doesn't mean I won't ever feel content or happy or joyful, it just means I have to work even harder on shrinking the hole and acknowledging the positives when they happen. It bothers me that it is there, it bothers me that it's draining certain parts of my life, it bothers me that I have no fucking idea how to make it shrink or go away or how I can start to connect to more positive emotions when this giant life sucker is in me. It's almost physically part of me. It feels like a void, that void my womb felt after Ty had died. I felt so empty, so very empty and ached. That feeling is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't been there, I just feel it in my body and my mind. I will never forget that feeling, my womb aches thinking about it. The most deepest, darkest void, empty feeling a woman could ever feel, into every cell of my body. My womb became a tomb.
I feel like that is connected to this black hole, I feel like it is connected more through Ty than Jacob. That was the onset of my trauma so perhaps it makes more sense but there is something missing in my body and mind, there is truly a hole. It is a hole I'd like to heal but I have to work on accepting that it may never get there. This might be one part of my trauma that I can do nothing about. That, that is hard for me to swallow (I mean these days I can barely swallow do the incredibly horrific gerd I am going through right now, thanks post-trauma, another wonderful affect) but knowing I may have this hole forever and that it very well may suck a lot of happiness out of my life and that I have to work even harder to hold onto the happy moments I get (and I use happy as a lax term, no one can ever be happy all the time, nor is it a state one can achieve merely on the base of existence, yes I know people always say you can choose to be happy, it's mind over matter etc, but I've come to realize theres more, you can't chose how your body physically reacts to negative bombardment, you can't, your emotions and your body act one way while your mind acts another, you can't choose to be happy in the sense of what happy as an emotion means) I'm already exhausted, I wish things could come easily, I wish happiness would find its way into my heart more often but it's a struggle I have and will continue to have. I do know that my happy is a two-way street. Phoebe can make me enjoy life and have content moments as much as I can do it myself, I know people say only you can make yourself happy but it can be external too. Happy is such a over-used term to explain much more complex emotions that many don't have name for, which I think is where part of the problem lies.
At the end of the day, as in today, as hard as it was, I cried. I cried happy tears standing in the freezing rain holding Bee watching her amazement at a giant tree being lit. I felt so peaceful and content in those moments. Those moments for the first 3 year of her life I could not drag myself to do, but this year has changed and I'm living. I may not fully feel it, I may not be on board yet but I will keep doing it in hopes that one day, maybe one day, my "happiness" will come easier, my black hole will shrink to a mere existence and I can once again connect more to the positive feelings. Though I struggle with my black hole and it's existence, if you've followed this blog for awhile you know I always fight. You know I rarely ever give up. As hard and exhausting as it is and now with only 4 counseling sessions left, a lot of work on my own, I will keep fighting. I will do everything I can to make the black holes existence nothing but a mere ache in my heart, not an all life consuming, sinking feeling.